video

[looksfine]

I...apologize if this message comes at an inconvenient time for some--[Aya was well aware of the many ongoing events of the present, and the tension resulting from those involved in just one, let alone multiple]--but...

I wish to better understand the concept of embracing one's negative emotions.  Anger.  Hatred.  Rage.  Sadness.  How one is best able to do so, and what motivations drive an individual towards them.

[It was here that Aya's normally emerald hue briefly flickered a more bluish-green.  Not the blue of Saint Walker's Blue Lantern light, but a much darker shade  The blue was gone as quickly as it appeared, however, before Aya finished her thought.]

Most of all, I would like to know if the...pain...is ultimately worth it.

Comments

[invisibill]

Uh... I don't know what you're thinking about trying. But can I just say that anything that involves trying to do something with negative emotions is generally just a really bad idea, all around?

[looksfine]

It is not a matter of thinking. Attempts have already been made.

[That doesn't sound ominous at all.]

[invisibill]

Attempts to do what?

[looksfine]

[There was a pause. Her eyes briefly glowed, although this--for any onlookers who knew Aya--was a far more normal occurrence. It was a sign of her deeply processing something. A memory. A proper former of words to accurately portray her ongoing thought process.]

Recent training sessions have involved recalling some of the more unpleasant memories of my past. Understanding the emotions they elicit. Utilizing those emotions in both combat and everyday situations which require a degree of power and...control.

[invisibill]

I'm no expert, but that sounds like the kind of thing you should probably talk to a psychologist about.

[looksfine]

[Yeah probably.]

Do you know of a psychologist to whom I can talk?

[invisibill]

Not really. Maybe theres one at the university?

cw: drugs | text;

[of_deduction]

I've always found Morphine and Cocaine work best for me.
SH

text

[looksfine]

[The initial response that came through was...not English, as Aya had forgotten to switch her writing from Oan to English; a moment later, however, she realized her error and resent her response in the proper language.]

What is Morphine and Cocaine?

text

[of_deduction]

A good stimulate for when I get bored.
SH

text

[looksfine]

I am unfamiliar with this technique, and it has not been brought to my attention during any past training sessions. How is it implemented?

Re: text

[of_deduction]

That depends on your preference. I prefer the needle and syringe.

Although, seeing as such hobbies are typically frowned on, I would not recommend partaking.
SH

text

[looksfine]

[Ah. She did know what needles and syringes were, and while that did not give her the entire story, it clued in her...enough. For a follow-up reply.]

Most of my body is inorganic. The organic components are a construct made of pure Green Energy. I do not possess a circulatory system. Although needles may be utilized in minor technological repairs, they are otherwise of little use to me.

I must ask why you would suggest a hobby you do not recommend.

[video]

[no_light]

It is. You know it is worth it. You are starting to feel the power.

[ Have your very proud teacher, Aya, admiring your new darker colors. ]

[video]

[looksfine]

[She did want to make him proud. He was devoting his time and energy into training her, and had warned her in advance of what was to come. None of this was his fault.]

I am feeling...many things at this time.

[no_light]

That is normal, and nothing to worry about. Embrace it. These conflicted emotions will become the source of your strength. The Dark Side thrives on hardships.

[looksfine]

Embrace it...

[Her voice was even softer than normal. Again, she flickered. A deeper shade than before. Recalling. Remembering. Reliving the images as they played out in her mind's eye.]

...even the...uncertainty? Am I meant to find strength in my unknowns?

[no_light]

If you can, then embrace even that. Uncertainty causes you pain, and you can take strength from the pain.

[ Maybe. He's only ever felt weaker for it, but it should work, in theory - for others, at least. ]

Don't be afraid. Your training is just uncovering what has always been hidden within you.

[looksfine]

[Aya looked...doubtful. Like she did not fully believe his words, although she wanted to.]

Is this...what you feel every day? Pain that gives you strength?

Video

[commandandcontrol]

What is it you mean by 'embracing' exactly?

Video

[looksfine]

It is a part of my training.

To embrace these feelings of darkness and negativity in an effort to better align myself with the Dark side of the Force, and the subsequent increase in power that comes with it.

Video

[commandandcontrol]

Oh. Is aligning yourself with the 'dark side' of the 'force' something you need to do?

I think that its important to acknowledge 'negative' feelings, otherwise they fester. But it's not good for you to stew in them.

[ At least, that's what she was taught. ]

Video

[looksfine]

Yes.

[Gone were the days when Aya took everything 100% literal; while she knew this training was not a technological or biological need, per say, it was something she considered greatly important to her. A side of herself she had never fully understood. Already, her training with Kylo had unlocked things she had never before considered, and she knew that to continue with him would be to continue learning.]

[Even if it meant more pain.]

How do I know if I am...stewing?

Re: Video

[commandandcontrol]

Hmm, that's a tough question. I guess the best indications is if you start engaging in unhealthy behaviors or thought patterns.

A problem I frequently have, especially after a recent rejection or failure, is to start questioning myself. I start thinking the failure is indicative of a greater problem with the entirety of myself. It leads to me minimizing my accomplishments and exaggerating my shortcomings.

Other 'negative' emotions have the same kinds of feedback mechanisms. If you get angry, you're more likely to let small things that would otherwise not bother you become enormous irritants.

[ She's way better at preaching this than practicing it. ]

Video

[looksfine]

[Aya was prepared to reply after the line "questioning myself", but then...Sonja continued. Further elaboration that gave Aya pause before she was again able to formulate an appropriate response.]

That is...yes, I believe I understand now.

[The definition of "stewing"]

Although I have not yet seen a notable decrease in proficiency with each failure, it is true that I allow myself to review the memory so that I may better understand what it is I have done wrong. So that I will not do that again.

[For someone who did not know her, seeing only a highly advanced robot, it would sound as if Aya only failed once at something before figuring out how to succeed. This was very much not the case.]

I have seen the power of anger. It is as you describe, yes, but...because the situation was exasperated into something of perceived greater significance, a much higher percentage of power was accessed in order to handle matters.

[Years had passed since she'd last seen Razer, but she still thought of him now. Memories of him a large driving force towards her desire to understand the power of Rage.]