tushanshu | [002] [Video, no mask] So, about that aging thing...

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[002] [Video, no mask] So, about that aging thing...

Have we ever worked out whether or not we're aging here?

Asking for a friend.

[No, he's asking because his birthday has passed without having to have a party. Yes, the slightly smug look on his face is for you, Bruce. Enjoy.]

[Private to Kon, 75% Encryption]

I hear you're going to school me in chess.

[Yes, Dinah, he uses 'schooled.']

[Text to Dick]

you've got mail

[It's the flash drive again. Updated. More codes, weird number games, a few jokes from the Teen Titans about Batman, and part of a video of Bart driving the Batmobile with text scrolling across the bottom. "Don't let this happen to you."]

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Yeah, cause that's what my life needs. Exciting food. And not the you-should-try-green-curry exciting. Surprise! It's a tomato! I was going to guess giant cran-

[Bart is still staring at the fruit he's holding and rolling it in his hands when he gets punched. He looks up in surprise and laughs. OK, he deserved that. Next time, he'll make sure to put something noisy on the ground between them. Dump a bagful of jingle bells everywhere. Grinning, he takes this opportunity to take a free shot.]

So boring that even I anticipated that one.

[Grinning back at him.] Sure you did. I could tell by the completely unsurprised look on your face. [He fakes another punch, then lets his hands drop.]

[Bart smirks, and he watches the fake punch approach until Tim pulls it at what probably seems like the last second. ]

Completely unsurprised. I let you hit me. What's your excuse?

[The tip of Bart's index finger is resting on the apex of Tim's nose, suddenly but with no sign of motion - as if it's always been there - and Bart's quietly laughing.]

[Tim doesn't even blink. If he were surprised by Bart suddenly being places, without any apparent travel time in between, well. He'd be a completely different person.

Deadpan.]

Did you seriously just 'boop' my nose?

Yep. Whatcha gonna do about it?

[Bart nods, unabashedly gleeful at this.]

Did you seriously just say I 'booped' your nose?

If the ridiculous verb fits...

[Tiniest evil little smile.]

I haven't decided yet. But you have to sleep sometime.

[Oh, that is mean. That is so incredibly unfair.]

But - the whole reason I'm crashing at your place is because I can't sleep in mine! What am I supposed to do? Nap at Kon's? I'll get smothered by tribbles in my sleep. I'll just sleep when you're asleep. I can do that. I'll wait 'til you pass out.

[Keep in mind, Bart. You asked for this..

Said in Tim's very best Bruce impression:]

I don't sleep.

[That's... a really good impression. It makes Bart freeze up for a few seconds, before he tries to laugh it off. The laughter is very forced and hollow.]

Oh, c'mon. Everybody sleeps.

[Right? He's feeling less assured of this than he would have considered 20 seconds ago.]

I'm screwed, is what you're saying. So. Um. These things.

[He holds up the purple fruit.]

You said they're like tomatoes. Close enough for the pizza sauce?

[Have an evil little smile in response to that. He doesn't even have to do anything. Bart will be jumpy for days.]

I think we should be able to make it work.

[He will. Bart will wind up staying up as long as he can manage, until he passes out somewhere unintentionally. This is all Tim's fault, up to and including the concussion he'll get when his head hits the floor.

Gathering up a half dozen or so the fauxmatoes, Bart tries to not act as if he's expecting to get nailed with some sort of Bat-silly-string, but he doesn't turn his back on Tim.]

What about any veggie toppings? Or things that taste like cherries? There has to be something berry-ish...

[Yeeep, still smirking. Bart's paranoia is going to provide him with hours of entertainment.]

I thought we were eschewing vegetables, in favor of meat and all kinds of unhealthy things?

[Tim. All of these baby steps towards diabolical, evil genius will catch up with you one day, and, if you keep directing them at Bart, he's not even going to hesitate before he brings you down.]

I thought you wanted to see if they had canadian bacon? Wouldn't that mean you want artichokes and red onions? I mean. I'm game for loading it up with so much junk even I can't move for awhile, but... it's kinda your pizza.

[Well, that's kind of part of the plan, so... good.

He gives him a little grin.]

I've been advised that it's a weird pizza combo. I'm willing to make adjustments.

Buuuut. It's your birthday and your pizza. If you don't tell me something you like better than that mess, we can shoot for that instead. But. Until then, I am aiming for that. What do onions look like? And garlic?

This is harder than real food shopping.

Well, there honestly isn't a lot I'd like better than that, so maybe we should stick with it.

[He grins wryly]

It's definitely harder than regular food shopping. I think there's going to have to be a bit of experimentation.

[Bart nods at this, quickly and randomly grabbing a few of this, a bit of that. Maybe they'll get lucky, maybe they won't, but since Tim evidently doesn't know which ones are the artichokes - if there are artichokes - Bart is just going for ones that look likely and/or interesting.]

If you weren't weird, we couldn't hang. Besides. Experimentation is the spice of life.

[Huge grin. Be afraid. Bart pays for the stuff he's picked up and holds the bag under one arm.]

So. Where to to find not-so-Canadian bacon?

[Tim makes it a habit never to show fear around Bart. It would only encourage him. He grins at the question and puts on an innocent expression.]

Well, probably not at a vegetable stall.

[He starts moving in a promising direction.]

[It would only encourage him if the fear was in a friendly situation. Genuine fear, particularly with that mask on, and Bart would be concerned.]

How am I supposed to know that? I can't read the language, and no one will give me a How to Learn Kedan book.

[Well, yeah. But this is a different kind of fear we're talking here.]

Well, all of the stuff there was plant-based. So we go somewhere else for the meat.

How am I supposed to know the turnips don't taste like chicken?

[The shopping continues, and the boys return home with too much food for what they've planned to make. Neither the cake nor pizza taste quite right, but they don't taste awful either. Eventually, the first pizza crust that Bart managed to stick to the ceiling drops down, so Bart deems the whole thing a roaring success.]

...You know, that's a good point. Come on--let's find some meat that comes from animals.

[Tim also considers it a success, though he did keep eying the pizza dough on the ceiling until it fell down. And as far as he's concerned, the pizza and cake were amazing, because it was probably hilarious fun all around getting them made.

Flour everywhere.]

[Obviously flour everywhere. Your fault, Tim.]

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[002] [Video, no mask] So, about that aging thing...

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action; this will go on forever

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action; let's wrap then

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