Video;

[manofiron]

[ The video begins with a dark-haired man centered in the middle of the frame. He’s got dark eyes, a precisely cut goatee, and hair that’s a little too styled to be naturally that neat. There isn’t a lot to see beyond his chin, he’s sitting too close to the camera, but what can be seen looks vaguely like a shirt of shiny red metal.

His brow knits almost immediately after the feed starts recording, his expression edging toward disbelief as his lips twist into a mild frown. ]

Look. I get it. In a time of crisis, rationing’s necessary to keep resources moving in the right direction. Perfectly understandable. You guys needed to save your turtle. What responsible citizen wouldn’t do their part for that noble cause?

[ There’s a slight hint f sarcasm creeping into his voice, as though he’s heard the whole turtle spiel already and not only hasn’t been impressed, but also doesn’t really buy it either. Not even after having spent half a day scouring the network for information about what’s really going on here before making this video. ]

But really? Twenty bucks?

[ The low, indistinct murmur of another voice can be heard, though what it’s saying and who it belongs to is anyone’s guess. Whatever it says, it’s enough to make the man roll his eyes. ]

Juulan. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. The point — [ Whether he’s talking to the camera or the unidentified voice is unclear. ] — is that it isn’t enough for a day, let alone the entire bogus adventure.

[ It isn’t so much the way he looks at the camera – his eyes have never left it – but the change of his tone, less querulous and more curious, that indicates that he’s talking to whoever’s on the other end of the console. ]

So really. Turtle propaganda aside. What’s a guy gotta do to get some decent money around here? Sell his organs? Hit the street corners? Scrub barnacles off the bottom of the turtle? What?

Comments

[backinakidflash]

Style's subjective. I bet the kedan think the Emperor's flashy. You should see what people wear in the 30th century. Plus. They seem big on their poor, huddled masses - it's just us they don't like. And one man's throne is another man's leather armchair.

Barnacles are technically crustaceans. Y'know. Like crabs and lobsters. "Crustacean people" doesn't have that ring to it.

Last weekend, huh? OK. I'll bite. So which is it? String theory or quantum loop gravity?

[manofiron]

Thirtieth century? Okay, I'll bite. What do they wear then?

I don't like crustacean people. It doesn't roll of the tongue. And it sounds like I should be worried about whether — [ He suddenly adopts a faux Jamaican accent and a mildly sing-song lilt to his voice. ] — we got a hot crustacean band.

[ It's automatic, making a pop culture reference - this time from 1989 with an obnoxiously catchy musical number - even though he can't be sure this guy has ever seen an animated movie with singing sea life. He drops the accent, goes back to his normal tone. ]

It's actually neither of those things. But you get points for knowing that string theory and quantum loop gravity exist. Most people seem to not.

[backinakidflash]

Lotta unitards. Everything's synthetic. Way more bright colors than you're used to seeing. Less patterns. No jeans which is the biggest backslide in history.

Yeah. It clunks out of your mouth.

[Bart looks completely blank at the reference. He's great with literary references, and fair enough at action and sci-fi movies. The Little Mermaid is, to him, Hans Christian Anderson's classic. He's never seen a single Disney classic. He's a big fan of the Incredibles, though, and has gotten Jay Garrick to start saying that rogues are monologuing.]

Uh. Sure? I guess they have music. Sound travels better underwater.

Dang. I was hoping for loop gravity. So what is it?

[manofiron]

Unitards? They moved on to unitards? They don't tell you to be excellent to each other and air guitar all the time, do they?

[ He blinks, taken slightly aback by what sounds like a serious response to his Little Mermaid quote. ]

It's—No, there was a movie about a singing crab that—You know what, never mind.

[ Which means that he really needs to not say Forty-two in answer to the nature of the universe. ]

It kind of takes the mystery right out of it. Knowing. Trust me, you're better off not.

[backinakidflash]

Don't look at me. I didn't lead the fashion evolution to unitards. I woulda called it fully evolved at jeans and a t-shirt. And not that I remember, no. Sorry, Wyld Stallyns fan.

[Bart blinks and then nods.] Yeah. There's still a lot of movies that I haven't seen yet. I probably should watch more for the references. Saw Bill & Ted's because. Hi. It's a time travel movie. Besides, I like George Carlin. I haven't heard about one with a singing crab though.

[Aww. He'd get that one. Bart said that tribbles follop around like mattresses to someone the other day. He raises an eyebrow at the end.]

Which. Means that you don't know.

[manofiron]

So you get that reference? Good. I'd hope so. That's a classic. Not quite Back to the Future or Terminator, but it's close.

The crab movie's kind of overrated. One of my robots used to like watching it. Every time I walked into the lab, there it was. I couldn't get away from it.

Wrong. Means that I do know. I just don't want to spoil the surprise for everyone else.

[backinakidflash]

Yep. I'm not a huge fan of Terminator though. [For reasons.]

You have robots? And they... like to watch bad movies about singing crabs? Is that the best you could do? Not like a pancake-making robot or something a little more practical? How do you know it's watching? I could put a fern in front of the tv. It's not going to watch the nightly news.

But. I LIVE for spoilers. Heck. I am a spoiler. You gotta spill it.

[manofiron]

No? Remind me not to introduce you to JARVIS.

Dummy does. The other two don't. But I'm not a slave driver, so when they're not helping me in the workshop, they can do whatever they want. Provided it doesn't wreck the house.

What do you mean, you're a spoiler? A spoiler for what? Unitard nation?

[backinakidflash]

Who's Jarvis?

You have autonomous robots? That's so freaking cool. But speaking of the Terminator, I think that's how Skynet started.

It's called Earthgov, but yeah. Not that it matters here. I was time-displaced before I turned up here.

[manofiron]

JARVIS is... Well, he's kind of like Skynet. If Skynet was an overbearing nag who handled the navigation on long car trips instead of a psychotic AI that killed the world.

[ JARVIS is Tony's greatest achievement. His legacy. And his best friend. But that's a little too soppy to acknowledge on his own, let alone tell strangers. ]

Time-displaced how? Like this? Or worse?

[backinakidflash]

[He catches his tongue between his teeth and thinks for a moment, trying to remember the movie's plot.] Have you tried unplugging him yet? I think that's the real Skynet test.

Better. I think. That was intentional, and I was still on the right planet. I'm not even sure what year it is here. So. Your call. 1000-ish years: better or worse? [Bart shrugs.]

[manofiron]

Sure did. He's been unplugged for what? Fifteen years? [ There's a quiet murmur a moment later, clearly a second voice, though it's too soft to make out what it's saying over the video. ] Seventeen years. Sorry. Time starts running together after a while.

Uh, well, I'm from twenty-thirteen. And we don't have unitards. So, I'm going with worse because I actually like wearing jeans.

[backinakidflash]

Is he still operating? [Bart looks interested and very mildly alarmed.] Cause I'm thinking if he's unplugged and still on, you just created Skynet.

I was born in 2993. I'm from about your time.

[manofiron]

He's actually here right now. Want to talk to him?

So you're from the future, but you went back in time and lived in my time? Ish. How'd you do that? Time travel, I mean.

[backinakidflash]

You got to bring your pet robot with you? That is so unfair. I didn't even get shoes.

Yep. I'll try to explain that after you tell me the nature of the universe.

[manofiron]

He's not actually a robot. Why didn't you have shoes? Don't they have shoes in the future either?

You drive a hard bargain. I like it. Shows cleverness and initiative.

[backinakidflash]

Then what is he? Cause I can admit when I'm confused.

I didn't have shoes because I wasn't wearing them when I showed up. I promise the future has shoes. That's seriously your concern about the future? 'Will there be shoes?'

Thanks? But I still don't hear you explaining.

[manofiron]

He's, well, right now he's kind of just the ghost in the machine. This machine. [ He drums his fingers against his chest, gauntlet-covered fingers tapping loud enough on the metal to be heard over the video. ] Think of him like a soul without a body. That's the easiest way.

Actually, my biggest concern about the future is the unitard problem. But a case could be made for shoes too.

[ Oh, fine. He'll give him the answer he was originally going to say. ]

Forty-two. That's the explanation.

[backinakidflash]

He's an AI only? [Cough cough] SKYNET. [Cough] Ahem.

Unitards are a problem? You're kinda wearing a metal one there, buddy.

[Bart snickers. He has read that book, Tony Stark.] So you're telling me it's a 'how many roads must a man walk down?' solution? Cause the real Ultimate Question was 'what do you get if you multiply six by nine.'

[manofiron]

JARVIS is actually smarter than Skynet. If he decides that he wants to eradicate the humans from the planet, he's not going to bother with time-traveling robots.

It's a suit. Not a unitard. Do your unitards have missiles? I don't think so.

[ Ah, a fellow geek. Tony grins at him. ] That's exactly the solution.

[backinakidflash]

That was kind of a stupid way to go about it. "Oh, we only need to kill one person for this to work." Most of history requires more than one person, and it's not all that easy to change things. The movie got that right, sorta, with whole 'going back is what causes him to be born in the first place' thing, but if things were really altered, shouldn't she suddenly not have a kid and be back at her apartment like nothing ever happened? These are the things that should keep me up at night.

The unitards don't need missiles. Plasma guns exist.

That's a crappy solution. But. I guess it doesn't matter. Life's what you make it.

[manofiron]

That's why you don't take out an entire species with a nuke. Too many margins for error. You do what Shyamalan did. You engineer a neurotoxin specifically designed for your target. Then you wipe them all out. That's what JARVIS learned from watching Terminator.

[ It's possible he wouldn't sound quite so proud of his AI if he thought there was even a remote possibility that JARVIS would go Skynet on the world. But he knows he won't. ]

Plasma guns? Really? I made something like that once. Prototype. Never really took off. Military was too attacked to bullets.

And I say, make it fun.

[backinakidflash]

Like myxomatosis. Smart. But. Uh. Kinda scary. Thanks for the warning.

[Bart nods.] Yeah, really. Why is that surprising? Energy's easier to come by than the right bullets in the field.

Doing my best! It's not always a blast, but it's never dull.

[manofiron]

That's what I told them. But it was a little newfangled for their sensibilities. I also don't think they really approved of a gun that could be set not to kill people. But that's just me.

What matters is that you try. Trust me, some things seem to resist fun. People too. Personally, I think that just means that they're born members of the fun police.

[backinakidflash]

Then they need to get newfangled. I wonder how many soldiers want to be in a war. Like if you took a poll of all of veterans everywhere. How many would say it was a really stupid idea in the first place? Because I think a lot of them would say they were only there because the country made them fight. Imagine how much easier it'd be for a country to recover from a war if it didn't wipe out a generation. There'd be a lot less hatred for whoever you were fighting against, too, if you didn't lose brothers and friends.

Kinda hard to swap from that to fun. But - yeah. I know a few of those.