tushanshu | post: Video

[Have an incredibly awkward looking Enjolras, who is, nonetheless, facing the camera straight on. There is really more just an uncomfortable gaze in his eye as he stares out, glances at a sheet of paper that he obviously does not really need and takes a breath to steady himself before beginning.]

I have learned recently that I posses the grand ability to hurt people without realizing that I do it. I do not mean to be careless with anyone but it has happened again recently, because I allowed it to happen, and I would like to take this moment to issue an apology to those of you I have unintentionally hurt by shutting you out over the past month. Because it felt easier, I have run away from my problems, hid from them, and from my closest friends, who I have, mostly, avoided since our work in the field here concluded.

I have lied to all of you since then, on a great number of inconsequential matters, broken some implied promises [Yeah, that thing where he told Gavroche he was eating? That's one of them.] and hidden, rather than face and deal with the truth.

The truth then, all of it, is that Ma...[Wait. He's not supposed to say its name and he knows better. So he's clearing his throat and starting again.] The truth is that the shadow being that I encountered acquainted me with some aspects of myself I had long ago assumed I had under control or had never seriously considered as detrimental or harmful until now.

[Have a moment where Enjolras is pausing, consulting that paper, paling, but starring onward into the screen. He heard and wrote what he's going to say next but that does not mean it is at all pleasant.]

For my friends who've come here from my home, I have never meant to be so careless with you as I've been in the past. Never careless with your lives, but careless with your feelings and our friendships. Consider this as a public admission and the start of an apology if you would have it. I do not wish to lose you, but what have I done this month but make it very possible?

To the new friends I have spoken to who have helped me to see reason, or been needed distractions at a time like this, thank you.

Speaking truthfully to all of you, I am quite far removed from what would consider 'all right', 'fine' or anything in between, but I intend, if there is a way, to recover. Will you help me find the way to start that?

[And here, Enjolras isn't shifting exactly, but there's a hand near his ear and he seems to be scratching at it behind his hair a little. Oh dear.]

On another note, attempting to self pierce one's ear with a needle is perhaps not the best of ways to go about it. Might there be a professional on this network willing to perform that service for me?

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I did say you shouldn't, you know. [If he is scolding, it is extremely mild, however. He comes up from whatever he's been attending to, perhaps sketching, and gives Enjolras a brief pat on the shoulder.]

And you know, of course, that I will help you in any way I possibly can.

At least the damage is limited to be being little more than an irritation. I did at least know what to sterilize before I tried it. [That's the sort of tone that other people would stick their tongues out with, actually. And then Enjolras's expression is shifting a bit at the next part.] You are, of course, already. I may not trust myself, Etienne , but I do trust you.]

You did, yes, which means you have been listening at least somewhat. [There's a small lipquirk.] Well done.

Thank you. You need only ask, if you need anything.

Proof I AM capable of it when it comes to some things, I suppose. Or you are particularly interesting during these conversations. I am never certain.

When I know what I am asking for, I will, of course.

I already know you are capable of many things, my brother.

Good. [And another brief touch to his shoulder, rather fondly.]

Well, when I choose to listen at any rate, we should say.

[And he's nuzzling against Ferre a little.] I...we have not spoken about what happened. Is there anything that I might do for you?

That is so, yes. I am pleased you choose to listen to me, from time to time.

[He settles down next to Enjolras and pulls up a chair, looking abstracted.] ...If I may be plain. I must admit that...I had many reservations about what we did, at home. I do not...[He makes a quiet little irritated noise in the back of his throat, and moves to rub his temples.]

I was not dedicated to our revolt. I failed you, in that respect, and our friends as well; I am guilty of their deaths as much as anyone else is.

Well, when it generally seems like I risk some sort of chaotic downfall by ignoring you. Or perhaps those faces you make. Being the cause of them can be a particular motivation in and of themselves.

[And then Enjolras is falling silent. He had meant with Malicant, but...perhaps this has to do with that too.]

Of course you had reservations. You made some of them clear, in the early days, you tried to make them clear still on the barricade itself, with some of the decisions I was forced to make. I valued that you continued to try, Ettiene.

[And Enjolras is sliding his own hands over to Combeferre's temple, pushing his fingers aside so he can take over.]

Perhaps you did in part. And I did in part by refusing to see several points as having any other outcome. Yet you still stayed. You chose to be there. That is hardly a failing in and of itself, and I...I was dead set on violence, much as I spoke of wanting peace. I saw no other way, perhaps there truly was not, yet...

I cannot say that I think you have done anything so horrific as all that. I...he suggested that I see justice done as I spoke of at the barricade with that man. [No question as to which of them he means] . He held...he had the exact pistol so that justice could be enacted, finally, that I could do to myself what I had done to the other, and the national guard. What I wished to do with the inspector, what I ought have done for...if not causing your deaths, being a precipitate of them.

But it would have only been one shot. I could never have had justice for all of you. There is too much to pay. You, at least knew where you stood, and tried to remind me I was a human and this fight was one for men as such, instead of idols.

I wish that I had listened to you a little more. I think we may, together, have managed something better, had I been near the same page as you were, instead of ...wherever I had gone to.

I am guilty of those deaths the way you feel you are. Because we did not...I was dedicated to one resolution, and you to another. I will not say those actions are why we failed, but I see the contribution...and I must not put you into that place again.

[Oh, so does he. This is just a roundabout way of bringing it up. Which is not usually like him, but he has not truly been himself, as of late.]

I feel as though ...as though I have betrayed you, betrayed France, though it came to pass even so. Betrayed myself, perhaps, and my ideals. I was a fool to think -- and I still do think it -- that our future might come peacefully. Perhaps I am a fool, then.

You did not cause our deaths, my dear. We all knew what was to come, I just -- I do wish I might have kept you all safe and in one piece. You are too dear to me to lose once again.

[Neither of them truly have. Enjolras wishes, he does, that he had been there more for Combeferre in this. Surely for him, it must be equally as much a thing of pain and yet...Combeferre has managed to carry on, for the most part.]

There are many who would say that you did, on the second; they would think that of all of us did that, but we know that we stood for what was better FOR France. For the people themselves, instead of those in power. As to me, you could never. You did stand with me...at the expense of so much. Possibly, quite probably, even, at the expense of your ideals as you say.

[Here, Enjolras is ducking his head a little, not looking at him for a long moment, as he tries, desperately, to come up with something that he can say to such. It is hard to.]

You are...a better friend to me, to the republic, than you have ever been to yourself. I do not think that it makes you a fool. It makes me worse than one for expecting certain things of you. Things outside of your nature...that go against what I love most in you. If you have done so, it is that I forced your hand into it and I am...

All the words I could find are not adequate. And yes, we knew, but I...well there is much that may have made it better. including paying more attention to you and your concerns, and the chances for peace. You will not lose me again though, I can promise. We came too close this time as well, but it will not be so. There are things I will not allow.

[If by 'carry on', you mean 'isolate himself mostly from everyone and hide in his clinic', then yes, he has.]

You did not force me, I would not let you. Any choices I made or ideals I...set aside were of my own volition. [He's moving to wrap his arms around Enjolras in a tight hug.] Nor will I. To lose you would be like losing a part of myself, I will not have it, at all.

[Well, considering Enjolras's approach was to run away from things, aren't they a pair just now? How stupid of them both really, wasn't it? Never again, he decides, while he hugs Combeferre back, as tightly as he had been before.]

Well. not force then, coerce? It is still the wrong word but I ought still to have listened to you more. ...Can I say that I will do it again in the future? At least attempt to listen and to hear you out even if I do not agree? I feel as though I owe you that much. Losing you now? No. I could never.

post: Video

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