tushanshu | post: Video

[Have an incredibly awkward looking Enjolras, who is, nonetheless, facing the camera straight on. There is really more just an uncomfortable gaze in his eye as he stares out, glances at a sheet of paper that he obviously does not really need and takes a breath to steady himself before beginning.]

I have learned recently that I posses the grand ability to hurt people without realizing that I do it. I do not mean to be careless with anyone but it has happened again recently, because I allowed it to happen, and I would like to take this moment to issue an apology to those of you I have unintentionally hurt by shutting you out over the past month. Because it felt easier, I have run away from my problems, hid from them, and from my closest friends, who I have, mostly, avoided since our work in the field here concluded.

I have lied to all of you since then, on a great number of inconsequential matters, broken some implied promises [Yeah, that thing where he told Gavroche he was eating? That's one of them.] and hidden, rather than face and deal with the truth.

The truth then, all of it, is that Ma...[Wait. He's not supposed to say its name and he knows better. So he's clearing his throat and starting again.] The truth is that the shadow being that I encountered acquainted me with some aspects of myself I had long ago assumed I had under control or had never seriously considered as detrimental or harmful until now.

[Have a moment where Enjolras is pausing, consulting that paper, paling, but starring onward into the screen. He heard and wrote what he's going to say next but that does not mean it is at all pleasant.]

For my friends who've come here from my home, I have never meant to be so careless with you as I've been in the past. Never careless with your lives, but careless with your feelings and our friendships. Consider this as a public admission and the start of an apology if you would have it. I do not wish to lose you, but what have I done this month but make it very possible?

To the new friends I have spoken to who have helped me to see reason, or been needed distractions at a time like this, thank you.

Speaking truthfully to all of you, I am quite far removed from what would consider 'all right', 'fine' or anything in between, but I intend, if there is a way, to recover. Will you help me find the way to start that?

[And here, Enjolras isn't shifting exactly, but there's a hand near his ear and he seems to be scratching at it behind his hair a little. Oh dear.]

On another note, attempting to self pierce one's ear with a needle is perhaps not the best of ways to go about it. Might there be a professional on this network willing to perform that service for me?

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[To hear that Enjolras thought that he was important to the republic, that he could serve the republic with his poetry and his words hits something inside Jehan that he didn't know existed. He'd always known that words had more power than anyone knew--why else would censors strive so hard to silence them?--but there is something powerful about hearing their leader say as much to him. He smiles, tearing up. Typical Prouvaire]

I am honored, though I am glad that I died for the republic. I cannot imagine a better way to go, honestly, and I have thought about death and dying far more than most consider healthy. Thank you, Enjolras.

[It is, if nothing else, the simple truth of the matter. There was only so much influence that Enjolras had in the papers, and none of those had quite the power of poetry in the same way. He's returning Jehan's smile now, relieved that that did not turn out as badly as he'd thought it might to say.]

And I am honored you were there with us. Merely...I have been neglecting saying some of this for too long. It's what I spoke of earlier, being careless. I mean to make more effort now.

You never needed to say anything. If you were not honored to have us there, you would have sent us away as you did--or rather, tried to do--to Grantaire.

Yes, yes I would have. ...Grantaire. I do wish that there had been more time here that I might have spoken to him. Things with regards to him are so..unsettled. I am relieved he has found peace, after what he did for me, and his life here sounds like somewhat of a hell, but having left that where it was, well. The opportunity I was given there was wasted. I do regret that.

He told me of your deaths. I do not recall if I told you.

I do not think you did at that. I was so confused when I woke here that I was not entirely...paying attention to things like that. Grantaire was...

As much as it shames me to say, I was terrified when I knew what was coming. I knew that I would face it and I did not flinch away from it; it was simply what was right. But even so... Those last few moments...I am certain you know more than some of the others, what it is to embrace something along with fearing it. Grantaire...He allowed me to remain firm and to die the way I'd wished it. I was as calm as I looked to them then. ...Poor Grantaire. [These words are more of a whisper.] That he only found his belief in the republic at the last, though I am glad he found it. One wonders though, if he had allowed himself to live, what may have come.

[Enjolras is frowning a bit as he thinks of it, really. ]

Probably nothing much, but if he had seen the new republic when it came...well I do wish one of us had. Who else but the one who would have needed it most? At any rate, he is at peace now, we can hope. Better he have that at last. I think he'd gone too long without that sort of thing.

[Jehan really wants to smack Enjolras here. Does he really think--

Of course he does. Enjolras would never think that R died for something other than the republic, not after saying he was incapable of death. Jehan isn't entirely certain that Enjolras believes that, short of disease or accident, there is any way to die except for the republic. He bites back a sigh]

I do hope he is at peace, yes. Yet...I miss him. It is strange, perhaps, to say I miss Granraire, but I spent a month caring for him and...it is strange, still, not to find him there.

[It is nothing against GRANTAIRE that Enjolras's mind does not go to the possibility, or anything. Grantaire proved himself to be one of them in the end, and Enjolras was touched by whatever power the barricades had that gave him the ability but beyond that? He oould not comprehend something like that. Not truly.]

I miss him too, of all things. We were never close, Grantaire and I, but even so. It feels wrong with him gone, doesn't it? Especially now with the lifting of the rationing. It may have been better for him here, and I did hope that we could speak. I know that what he did, his final choice had nothing to do with me myself and it is selfish to even consider how I felt in the moment but I would have wished to tell him what that gave me. Grantaire allowed for me to draw on enough strength to finish well, so that I did not fail her by showing any of them fear. I wish that I had thanked him for it. Or been present enough to have joined you during that time. It seems as though it would have been the least that I could do after what he gave me.

[Enjolras often thinks of it, those final moments, is ashamed that it took another to fill him with the calm that he must have at that moment, and is entirely grateful, though he knows that he did not deserve it, for his failures, that he was able to stand with another instead of alone.]

I do not think that gift he brought could ever be repaid and I certainly did not deserve it, but...small miracles of grace, perhaps? I'd never known he understood me so well.

post: Video

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