tushanshu | Mission 1 - This isn't where I parked my bike

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Mission 1 - This isn't where I parked my bike

[The feed clicks on to a new face, a severely annoyed and unimpressed face. The broadcast is from one of the cafe booths, because this guy just cannot sit still for long, even when he feels a lot like death warmed over. He leans over to peer unnecessarily close to the monitor, before slumping back in the booth with an irritated 'hnph!'.]

So, it does work. Well isn't that nice. I'm sure anyone watching this thing has done this little tango before so I'll cut out the pleasantries. First order of business, what's a guy gotta do to get a pizza around here? And second, great story about your little problem and all, but is there any way we can skip climbing the evil tower and go straight to the main event?

I'm late for a party back home, you see, and I'd really hate to miss out on the festivities. It's a pretty big gig, I'm sure you understand.

[This one has only the most pleasant social skills.]

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The thing is, I've already done my time with the bullshit fetch quests and dealt with the goddamned clowning around I've been up and down the shitty rabbit hole all day it's time to put an end to this, and if they think they can just interrupt that then they've got another thing coming.

[He's scandalized by the notion of having his end game taken from him. He was almost to the boss you can't do this!]

That's the first bit of good news all day. Who is Jack?

Jack Frost.

[ He lifts his eyebrows as he says it, recognizing the absurdity of it. Yet nothing in his tone is joking or sarcastic. He's serious. As serious as he ever is. ]

Sounds weird, doesn't it? It's true, though. Guy who brings the winter? Turns out he's real. And he scares up a good turtleworld version of a pizza when he wants to.

Who?

[Dante just wears a blank look. The story doesn't click for him right away, so it just sounds a bit like an unusual name to him. When he continues on, he just looks increasingly skeptical.]

Hang on, so you're trying to tell me there's someone who brings winter, and he lives here. On the back of a gigantic turtle. Just when you think things can't get any weirder. Say, it's not possible to bribe him out of doing that winter thing, is it? I could sure go for some warm weather for a while.

Apparently the tooth fairy's real too.

[ He rolls his eyes as he says it. ]

And some aliens that got deified by the Norse people. You meet all kinds here. Two things help: rolling with it and booze. Lots and lots of booze.

[ Of which he now cannot partake. It's one of life's little ironies he just doesn't appreciate. ]

I don't think Jack'd go for it, nixing winter. Think it'd be a little like us deciding to skip the air breathing for a couple months.

Now I know you're just messin' with me.

[There is no way you will convince him the tooth fairy is real okay. Should you really be encouraging underage drinking? Oh well, too late, Dante does it anyway.]

Right. Since this place is bound and determined to not make a goddamned bit of sense, where do I get the booze?

[Mostly: Where do you have to go to get it illegally because you know anywhere proper is going to give him hell for it.]

Damn, worth a shot. Can't blame me for trying.

Au contraire. One of them - apparently it's like a franchise - is here. You'll see.

[ Or not, if he doesn't believe, but Tony knows that this place has a way of getting to a person and making them believe in things they ordinarily wouldn't. ]

And you can get a drink anywhere. Helpful piece of advice? Kedan liquor's stronger than human stuff.

Huh. Makes sense I suppose, lot of teeth for one fairy to keep up with.

[Being a demon he knows well how the belief thing works. Sadly you can't disbelieve demons away no matter how hard you try.]

Now that's the first bit of good news I've gotten all day.

I know, right? Why didn't we think of that?

[ Possibly because they're rational people, and tooth-collecting fairies isn't rational. ]

Word of caution. Just be careful you don't lose your vulnerability to it. It happens. Couldn't tell you how or why, but it does.

I wonder what kind of paycheck that nets, do they use teeth as currency, is that how it works?

[Because really why would you want all those nasty teeth?]

And what do you mean by that?

Ask Jack. He's the fairy expert. Comes with the legendary status, I guess.

[ Oh boy. How to explain this without getting too personal? Tony takes a stab at it. ]

I mean this place can do things to you. I've seen it happen. Not bad necessarily, but... [ He shrugs. ] Not all that great sometimes either.

The guy who brings winter is also a fairy expert. Things just keep getting weirder and weirder.

[Nope you're just confusing him more.]

Wait... so you're telling me you got yourself raging drunk and made an ass out of yourself, am I right? Don't worry about it, man, we've all been there. I proposed to a mop once.

[A proud moment in his life.]

[ No, that's not what he's saying at all. And Tony is about to correct him, with something no doubt equally obscure, when he hears this proposing to a mop business. He's never done that before.

But he has done other equally dumb things. ]

I bought a palm tree in Hawaii once. A whole bunch of them. In the middle of nowhere. They're still there. I think someone wanted to build a strip mall or something, couldn't do it because I wouldn't sell the trees.

[ Ass-backwards conservation, stubborn, contrary Tony Stark style. ]

[It was a particularly attractive mop.

But no that is actually an awesome story. Dante barks a laugh.]

You're a real environmentalist, man. Keeping those trees safe for future generations and all.

[This is the part where the conversation stops having a point, but that's fine by Dante pretty much everything out of his mouth is rather pointless.]

[ He grins. ]

I'm just doing my part to make life as frustrating and inconvenient for people as possible.

[ Saving the trees is a nice bonus. ]

So how'd it go with you and your sweetheart?

[ Tony doesn't mind having pointless conversations at all. ]

Sounds like you're doing a damn fine job at it too.

[Clearly you are his new best friend.]

Bah, it wasn't meant to be. The barkeep just didn't appreciate true love in bloom. He hit me with her and kicked me out.

[Do you see this pout because wow can he put on a dramatic pout.]

Guess he's a subscriber to the romance is dead theory.

[ So's Tony, but who's counting? ]

Don't worry. There are other mops in the closet. We'll find you a better one.

You're telling me. Talk about a party killer.

[A dramatic sigh.]

Eh, I'm over mops. There will never be another mop for me, but maybe a broom.

[This is from the guy who wouldn't know how to clean if you beat him with one.]

I'll keep an eye out for you. If I see any hot ones, I'll let you know.

[ Tony's a bro like that. ]

Thanks, man, you're a real pal.

[Total bro. Couldn't trust anyone else to look for a good broom for him.]

Say, never caught your name.

Tony Stark. Resident technical genius. Pleased to meet you.

That's quite the resume, but I gotta ask, is there much use for that kind of profession on the back of a gigantic turtle?

Not as much as usual, no. But there's a little. There's always a little.

Yeah? And how much is 'a little'?

As much as I want it to be.

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Mission 1 - This isn't where I parked my bike

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