video;

[upshore]

[There's a man in his late 20s on the screen, and he looks tired. Not like he hasn't been sleeping well - though that, too - but like 'tired' is just generally a state of being for him. His hands are out of frame. He's going to keep it that way.]

Not to diss Raine and Heather, without whom I would be dead, and I am very grateful for their help, I've got a question. Out of curiosity, are there any doctors here? Gonna be clear here - I don’t mean maniacs with rusty shears, I don’t mean someone with a penchant for making people into unwilling human guinea pigs for whatever the fuck, I don’t mean Dr. Strangelove’s crazier Nazi cousin who’s trying to turn mental patients into batteries for nanomachines with more tubes in them than that one senator guy called the internet.

‘Cause before I let anyone come near me with so much as a stethoscope in future, I’m going to need to see some medical credentials.

[A pause, and then:]

Also, if anyone comes at me dressed as a priest, this is the only warning you’ll get that I am going to set you on fucking fire. It worked on the last guy.

Comments

[no_light]

[ Hush. We don't talk about these kisses. Or Mom's metal bikini. ]

Some kind of journalist... Do you work for a tabloid? That would explain how you know gossip, but not the current political landscape of the galaxy.

[upshore]

[Miles is never going to mention that he had a crush on your mom when he was twelve and that the metal bikini was at least thirty percent of it.]

I'd be offended if I didn't think that we're now speaking two fundamentally different languages.

Like, deeply, seriously offended.

Like punch-you-in-the-nuts offended.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure this entire conversation is a hallucination because yoooou're not real. None of what we have been talking about is real.

[no_light]

[ Please don't. There are some things he really doesn't want to know. ]

Really? I understand that you're embarrassed to reveal yourself as a gossip journalist, but denying the reality of the galaxy, the Force and everything is taking it a little bit far. [ Even by Kylo's own melodramatic standards. ]

And you're welcome to try punching me. I'm a seasoned fighter.

i apologize for him

[upshore]

[And Miles is a seasoned runner-and-hider. Also he got into a bunch of fights in high school. COME AT HIM, BRO.

There's a bit of a crazy glint in his eye, because he's...still a little bit crazy.] Oh yeah?

Han Solo, who I'm willing to bet my fucking camcorder is your father, was frozen in carbonite, and before he was, your mother said she loved him, and he said "I know".

I am from Earth, the Force and the Galactic Empire and you all are a creation of George fucking Lucas, and Anakin Skywalker was a punk-ass bitch!

[no_light]

Don't you call my grandfather a bitch!

[ Kylo knows all about being a little crazy, but his sympathy is very limited right now. Sorry not sorry.

Also, priorities. Kylo has them. ]

Do you even have any idea... Darth Vader was the greatest Sith the galaxy has ever seen, and you've got no right to be talking about my parents! You know nothing about my family, and I'm not listening to your drivel any longer!

a+ cr

[upshore]

[Too late. You pissed him off by calling him a tabloid monkey and now he's on a roll. PREPARE TO BE EVISCERATED! METAPHORICALLY!!!]

A punk. Ass. Byitch.

I know everything about your family. Up to and including Shmi Skywalker getting pregnant through midichlorians. Like, what the hell was that all about?

Still not real. Still from a movie and a whole bunch of books I never read. Though wait. Is your name Jacen Solo? Because this would explain a lot.

[no_light]

[ Somebody needs to be burned with fire and that somebody is you, Miles Upshur. ]

You don't know a kriffing thing about my family except for gossip and my name is not Jacen! I'm not even from the same universe as Jacen! [ Pah!

He's so done with you. So done. Now if only you were right here to be Force choked. Or lightsabered. He's killed people for less than this. ]

And what kind of moof milking idiot gets his historical information from movies?

[upshore]

[Come at him, scrublord, he's ripped!]

It's not historical information, because you don't exi--

...so you're not Jacen, but you know about him and you mentioned alternate universes.

[Beat.]

Yep. In my world the only thing you exist in is movies. Hence. The movies. "A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."

This is greeeeat. It's fine. Everything's fine.

[no_light]

I know of Jacen because I met his father. The Han Solo from his universe was here and told me of his children. [His siblings. No need to point that out if Miles can't make the connection.]

But my life is no movie. Are you drunk? I'm pretty sure you must be drunk, or just plain insane. I wouldn't be surprised if it's the latter.

[upshore]

[Miles grins a little recklessly.]

I wouldn't be surprised if it's the latter, either. But I'm right about this one.