tushanshu | 005 || VIDEO

005 || VIDEO

[He's in his uniform for this post, or the approximation of it that Favrielle made - the dusty brown of US army formals in the Second World War, not the modern dress greens or blues.

For a breath as the feed comes on he looks tired, but it vanishes as soon as he speaks, friendly and neutral.]

Good evening. It's come to my attention that a number of you are familiar with some version of me, and I've been lax in either introducing or making myself available for questions. Steve Rogers - Captain America, for those who'll find the title relevant. Please, feel free to come by my suite whenever you need to. The locals know when I'm out, but someone is usually there.

[Two addresses - the first being his apartment, the second being a location in the Earth Sector.]

The other reason I wanted to address you all is that for the past few months I've been working on furnishing a sort of safehouse in the Earth Sector.

Seems more relevant now, after what happened when the turtle went under. Again, I'd like to make the space available to anyone among us who needs somewhere to stay, temporarily or otherwise, and to offer it up as an emergency location where we can mobilize during future crises.

[A pause, while he considers whether or not he's forgotten anything. A crooked smile.] I think that's it.

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I'll see what I can do. [She might be able to convince Bruce that her own surveillance is enough, maybe if she promises him access to it, but she isn't making any promises.]

I've got more than enough people like that in my life, I think.

[A for effort.]

Good luck. [Dry.]

[He'd give hugs if this weren't the network.]

Pool's kind of thin here in that regard, anyway. [Gently:] You'll find someone, if that's what you want - I did.

[And he kind of thought that was a one-thousand to one shot.]

[She makes a sound that could be a laugh, because yeah, she knows how good her luck is gonna be on dealing with Bruce.

And then she's quiet for a moment, not really sure what to say in the face of that.]

He asked to come home with me, just before. [She wishes she could explain better, why it's not just a simple break up.] I don't get why he'd say that.

[If everything was a lie, why would he bother to say something like that just before coming out to her?]

[He definitely going to give hugs next time he sees her.

In the mean time, though, he'll give what he can. Even some of the things he'd rather keep private, and mistakes he knows she'll recognize as soon as he says them aloud.]

I haven't told you about when my plane went down. Peggy was there. On the radio, I mean. [This is already hard.] She'd said before the mission - she told me I wouldn't be alone in bringing Hydra down, in trying to avenge Bucky. We thought, when I told her that I had to crash the plane, that was it.

[He clears his throat, suddenly glad this conversation is audio.] We talked about going dancing. She made me promise to meet her, gave me the place and time, and told me she'd teach me how as long as I showed up. That was the last thing I heard. I made her a promise. That was the last thing I ever said to her.

[A long silence, a deep breath.] When they pulled me out, I found out she was still alive. According to the files, she was the only one still alive. Only one from the SSR, I mean, only one of our friends. And I couldn't- I didn't go to see her. I c- didn't even call. I told myself it was for her, that she'd spent her whole life believing I was gone and I didn't have the right to turn things upside-down on her now.

Then there was this kind of public alien invasion that I helped stop, so there's no way she doesn't know I'm alive now. And all I can think is that when all this ends I'll have to face her, and I have no idea how. Sometimes... when you don't mean to hurt someone, it's when you hurt them the worst. It's not cruelty. It's just human.

[Another deep breath and a quiet exhale.] I'm not surprised he asked, though. Any world that has you in it is already going to be better by default.

[Steph is silent the whole time, and she can't decide whether or not she's glad this is audio, because part of her wants Steve to be able to see her expression, but mostly she's just glad she doesn't have to see his right now. She can't imagine how hard that all is to say, and she's curled up in her chair as she listens, arms wrapped around herself and just - forcing herself to breathe.

That gets especially hard at the last line, and she has to bite her lip to stop it from shaking. It's something she can imagine him saying in any other context, and she'd laugh and call him a dork, but right now it just feels like one of the sweetest things that anyone's ever said.]

Steve... [stop, breathe, she isn't sure what to say, and the silence lingers for a little too long.] I'm sorry. [She's apologizing for a dozen different things, for what happened with Peggy, for what happened to him, for thinking that Brandon breaking up with her is even a real problem when Steve had to go through that (she knows it wasn't his intent, but she still feels guilty).]

You'll find a way to face her, and I think she'll understand.

[She doesn't know Peggy as well as he does, but they've grown close, and she thinks Peggy would understand why Steve did what he did.]

You don't have to- that. [Doh. He wasn't trying to get an apology for anything. But still, even if he has a hard time believing it, he's still thankful for her vote of confidence.] Thank you.

[If he could see it, she'd be smiling ruefully] You're welcome.

[She knows he was trying to give her something like a parallel, to maybe help her understand why Brandon might have said what he did, and it frustrates her that she can't just explain it.

There's a sigh, and a sound like her shifting in her seat, the sudden annoyance at the situation making her restless. She still feels guilty, like the situaiton with Brandon doesn't compare at all to what Steve and Peggy had to deal with, but she also feels like she should explain, at least a little.]

He'd been lying to me since day one. I can't believe anything he said.

[Gently:] You know you don't have to, right? Even if we make the wrong choices, we're the ones who have to live with them. What he did or didn't say was his choice.

I hope you can forgive him, at some point, for your own sake. But you don't have to trust him, and you don't have to believe him, and nothing about that makes you a bad person.

Edited 2013-03-06 16:02 (UTC)

I know. [And she does, even if she's also sighing and scratching absent patterns in the tabletop because thinking about it too much hurts.]

I just-- I trusted him.

[She's not sure if Steve will quite understand, but he probably has an idea of how hard it generally is for her to trust people. And Brandon lying to her for so long has left her even more unwilling to do so.]

I know. [Very gently.

He might not have that same problem with individuals - if anything, he gives too many people the benefit of the doubt until behavior gives him reason to withdraw. But he trusted his people. He trusted his government. And while he still trusts that the cause he fought for was a just one, the knowledge of what people did, what they knew and did nothing about, has broken him of the belief that the state he served (serves) was as just as the causes it waved on its banners for the public. To someone like Steve, that's as deep as betrayal can go.]

People fail. It's what we're best at. Trying again is the important thing. It's a struggle and it hurts, but don't give up on everyone, Steph. You're too good of a person to let yourself get hardened that way completely.

I'm not... [She stops, sighing as she runs her hands through her hair for what feels like the millionth time. She's not even sure which part she's arguing, whether it's that she's not giving up, or that she's not a good person. Peggy's reassurance about the latter comes to mind, and that just makes her press her fingers against her closed eyes, the silence lingering a little longer.]

Sorry, this isn't-- I'm not good at this.

[Whatever it is. She's good at comforting people, she's not so great at being comforted.]

Take your time. [He knows the type, and he'll be patient.]

[She sighs, and does indeed take the time offered, stepping away from the console for a moment to pace a little, scrubbing her hands over her face. She knows Steve will wait, and there's something - reassuring in that simple knowledge, like Peggy's appearance in her apartment.

When she comes back to the console, she switches the feed to video, giving Steve a small, grateful smile, and she's brought the kitten with her this time.]

Thanks. [she sighs, lets the kitten nuzzle against her cheek, then looks back at the display.]

It feels really silly, sometimes. I'm stuck on a giant turtle and I still manage to have relationship drama.

[A sympathetic smile breaks over his face.] Steph. Relationships are prone to drama no matter where you are.

I dunno, I feel like there should be some sort of clause against that. "No relationship drama when you're not in the right universe", or something.

[Yeah she's just going to joke about it instead of having feelings.]

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