tushanshu | Series I

Entry tags:

Series I - Video

[Arnold Rimmer's gitty face appears on the feed, nostrils at full flare. He is decidedly unhappy, but what else is new?]

So this is how we're welcomed, is it? Oh, hallo, you live on the back of a giant turtle now, toodle pipski. I've heard of some shady dealings in my life, but this one takes the proverbial vindaloo.

If anybody could be so kind as to direct me to the British Embassy, or the Ionian Embassy, hell, I'd even settle for directions to Wales. That would be spiffing.

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It sounds like the name of some kind of snooty dog breed.

[Have a blank stare, custom made just for you Darcy.]

N-...oooo. No, I really can't say that it does.

No, it totally does! [She's just grinning anyway, then lowers her voice to a soft, gentle tone. Like the announcer of a dog show on TV.]

And here in the toy group we have the Tootle Pipski.

[Congratulations, you've just run into Rimmer's sense of humor i.e. none to speak of.]

...Have you a mental imbalance or something?

Not that I've been made aware of.

[She shrugged, not really phased by the question.] Unless I really am imagining this whole war on the back of a giant turtle thing. In which case, I should probably get that checked out.

Finally. Somebody around here who doesn't think I'm totally doo-lally for thinking this whole turtle nonsense is bonkers.

No. It's pretty crazy.

Unfortunately, after being here a few months it's hard to dismiss it as some kind of fever dream.

A few months?

You're joking. Please tell me you're joking?

One hundred percent serious. [She even stopped smiling for a moment to prove it.]

How long has this whole-sale chelonian kidnapping experiment been going on?

I don't know the exact timeline, but I know there are people who have been here longer than I have.

Smegging hell. That's not exactly encouraging at all.

Sorry. Figured you'd want to truth sooner rather than later.

And let me guess, there's absolutely zero in terms of technology. No - say just for example - space craft or dimension jumping apparatus?

You've probably got a microwave? [That's the best she's got.]

Oh, marvelous. A whole microwave all to myself. That'll certainly help with the 'trapped on the back of a turtle' issue we all seem to be having.

Hey, if you're creative enough you never know what you could come up with.

[Not that she was creative enough.]

Are you. Seriously suggesting. That I attempt to use a microwave to cross the barriers of reality?

How long have you been on drugs?

I'm just saying that with the right mind it could be possible. I mean, how is that any crazier than the giant turtle bit?

[No comment on the 'right mind' bit, because he's a chicken soup nozzle repair man. He's definitely not up to the task.]

Oh, believe me, the turtle is simply the foundation for the vast pyramid that is the insanity here.

Awfully judgey for a guy who's only been here like what...a day?

Of course I'm judgey. I've been kidnapped without a by-your-leave, I think I reserve the right to be a little 'judgey.'

Still, that's no reason to get snappy at people like me. We're just as stuck here as you are.

And how do I know you're not to blame? You're the one coming up with ridiculous ideas involving microwaves. This could be all your fault, for all I know.

I could easily say the same thing about you. About anyone here. Pointing fingers and getting paranoid won't solve anything.

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