Series I - Video

[ajrimmerssc]

[Arnold Rimmer's gitty face appears on the feed, nostrils at full flare. He is decidedly unhappy, but what else is new?]

So this is how we're welcomed, is it? Oh, hallo, you live on the back of a giant turtle now, toodle pipski. I've heard of some shady dealings in my life, but this one takes the proverbial vindaloo.

If anybody could be so kind as to direct me to the British Embassy, or the Ionian Embassy, hell, I'd even settle for directions to Wales. That would be spiffing.

Comments

[peacefullywreathed]

[Solomon is grumpy enough to be vindictive today. He doesn't look it, of course. Mostly he just looks bored, and well-kept, and aristocratic. Also, he's Irish.]

Quite frustrating, isn't it? If you'll direct your attention to the palace to the north of the city, perhaps you might have more luck than the rest of us.

[ajrimmerssc]

Oh, you mean the giant black hulking thing that looks like something out of Tolkien rejected short story?

No thanks. I'll pass.

[peacefullywreathed]

Such a pity. I'm sure you'd have gotten on well.

[ajrimmerssc]

Do you direct all newcomers to the giant monstrosity that's certainly filled with deadly traps and deadlier guards?

Because there's the welcome wagon, and then there's you.

[peacefullywreathed]

You're my first. You should be flattered.

audio;

[problematical]

What's good in Wales?

audio;

[ajrimmerssc]

Not much. Some sheep, maybe? A few chip butties?

Re: audio;

[problematical]

Chip... butties?

[ It appears there's some slang that hasn't survived off Earth-That-Was. ]

audio;

[ajrimmerssc]

French fry sandwiches, for you Americans.

Re: audio;

[problematical]

[ You... are very strange, and that's saying something coming from River. ]

I'm from Osiris.

[ video ]

[runrightround]

You could try clicking your heels together. Or make a chalk drawing of Wales and jump in to it. Totally positive one of those will work.

[ video ]

[ajrimmerssc]

Is this how helpful everybody here is? I'm not surprised you're all still stuck on the back of a giant turtle, if that's the case.

[ video ]

[runrightround]

You know? I'm pretty sure this is one of those pot and kettle situations.

[ video ]

[ajrimmerssc]

Oh, yes, since I just arrived here, I'm absolutely certain of what's going on. My plea for assistance was just me having a bit of fun.

[ video ]

[runrightround]

What. They didn't give you the power point presentation when you got here? They're usually pretty good about that.

[ video ]

[ajrimmerssc]

They did give me some cockamamie story about some vast, ancient evil. I can't be having with that. My ship back home needs me! They're doomed without their acting captain.

[backinakidflash]

There is no British embassy. Sorry. Didn't the kedan fill you in?

[ajrimmerssc]

Well, they did. But...I was hoping they were just putting it on.

Really, no British Embassy?

[backinakidflash]

The kedan don't have much of a sense of humor. Trust me on that.

Yeah, sorry. No Britain on-turtle, no British Embassy.

video;

[6collegecredits]

[Mhm, well she looks like she's trying not to laugh. Unsuccessfully.]

Wait. Wait. Hold on. I just want to make sure I heard you right. "toodle pipski"?

video;

[ajrimmerssc]

Yes. Is there something wrong with that?

video;

[6collegecredits]

It sounds like the name of some kind of snooty dog breed.

video;

[ajrimmerssc]

[Have a blank stare, custom made just for you Darcy.]

N-...oooo. No, I really can't say that it does.

video;

[6collegecredits]

No, it totally does! [She's just grinning anyway, then lowers her voice to a soft, gentle tone. Like the announcer of a dog show on TV.]

And here in the toy group we have the Tootle Pipski.

video;

[ajrimmerssc]

[Congratulations, you've just run into Rimmer's sense of humor i.e. none to speak of.]

...Have you a mental imbalance or something?