video;

[upshore]

[There's a man in his late 20s on the screen, and he looks tired. Not like he hasn't been sleeping well - though that, too - but like 'tired' is just generally a state of being for him. His hands are out of frame. He's going to keep it that way.]

Not to diss Raine and Heather, without whom I would be dead, and I am very grateful for their help, I've got a question. Out of curiosity, are there any doctors here? Gonna be clear here - I don’t mean maniacs with rusty shears, I don’t mean someone with a penchant for making people into unwilling human guinea pigs for whatever the fuck, I don’t mean Dr. Strangelove’s crazier Nazi cousin who’s trying to turn mental patients into batteries for nanomachines with more tubes in them than that one senator guy called the internet.

‘Cause before I let anyone come near me with so much as a stethoscope in future, I’m going to need to see some medical credentials.

[A pause, and then:]

Also, if anyone comes at me dressed as a priest, this is the only warning you’ll get that I am going to set you on fucking fire. It worked on the last guy.

Comments

[no_light]

[ Yeah, and he's squinting, too. ]

Yes, just like that. I take it you have heard of them.

[ As in, spoke to the Jedi that used to live on the turtle. ]

[upshore]

Uh, yeah, who hasn't? I wanted to be one when I was a kid. Then my mom took away my plastic lightsaber after I hit someone with it so I had to pick something else to do.

[no_light]

[ Okay. Officially moving from Lost In Translation to Am I Dreaming Or Is This Really A Pink Tauntaun territory. ]

You... had a plastic lightsaber as a child?

[ A moment of stunned silence. ]

From which planet are you?

[ Because this must mean that Miles is from his own universe. ]

[upshore]

[Miles blinks. Whaaaat.]

Eaaaarth...?

[no_light]

[ More squinty eyeing. ]

Are you sure? None of the other Earth inhabitants knew of the Force. Maybe you're from a different earth than them. It is a ridiculously generic name.

[upshore]

Well, maybe they were just horrifyingly culturally deprived.

[no_light]

[ Still misunderstanding. Because not having heard about the Jedi is being culturally deprived. ]

That is possible. Come to think of it, I don't think any of them I spoke of mentioned being from a spacefaring age.

[upshore]

We've been to the moon and landed a couple probes on Mars, but I wouldn't really consider that "spacefaring"...

[no_light]

I wouldn't call that spacefaring either.

[ More like, pathetic. ]

[upshore]

[THEY'RE TRYING OKAY]

I stand by my "horrifyingly culturally deprived" theory.

[no_light]

In the same way in which you are deprived of proper galactic civilization altogether. But at least you know about the Force... and the Jedi.

[ The Jedi. Ugh. ]

[upshore]

Yeah, well, I wish we weren't so--

[Record scratch.]

--hold up. Are you a Jedi?

[no_light]

No! Of course not!

[ He looks so offended, too. ]

Don't be ridiculous.

[upshore]

...ooookay then. So, what then?

[no_light]

I use the Dark Side of the Force.

[ Duh. He's wearing black and has a red lightsaber. What more does it take? Does he need it written on his forehead?]

[upshore]

[WELL YOU'RE NOT USING YOUR LIGHTSABER KYLO, SHEESH.]

Oh. That's, uh, that's great. How's that working out for you?

[no_light]

[ HE COULD IF YOU WANT TO.

And you're really making him want to, by the way. Friendly warning. ]

Just fine, thank you. I'm the Master of the Knights of Ren.

[ Don't you dare be unimpressed by that. ]

STOP QUOTING KANYE, MILES

[upshore]

...I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish, but one question: what the fuck are the Knights of Ren?

[He needs context, okay.]

NO DON'T STOP MILES

[no_light]

[ THAT MAKES TWO OF THEM, UPSHUR. ]

Of course you would know the Jedi but not the Knights of Ren. [ Le Sigh. Life is cruel and unusual yadda yadda yadda. ] We are a group of powerful Force users in the service of Supreme Leader Snoke of the First Order. Which is a great galactic power.

[upshore]

I have heard of literally none of that. Enlighten me? [This guy sounds egocentric, which means he will looooove talking about himself.]

If it helps, I know, uh, up to Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine and the battle of, uh, the one with the Ewoks. Endor.

[no_light]

At last! [ His mood actually lightens up a bit at the mention of Darth Vader. ] Then you have been taught the history of the Galactic Empire, and its fall. I come from 30 years after the Battle of Endor. Darth Vader is my grandfather.

[upshore]

...oh.

Going to take a wild guess and say that you're the son of Princess Leia.

[HA HA HA OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK.]

[no_light]

[ Twitch. Should have seen that one coming but... ]

Considering you have a 50 percent chance of being right, forgive me if I'm not very impressed by your guess. [ Which is, actually, a lie. ]

How do you know of my mother's ancestry? It wasn't common knowledge at the Battle of Endor.

[upshore]

[Shitball soup.]

Skywalker's a Jedi Knight; I'm like ninety percent sure he's celibate, per the rules of the old Order. [Aside from kisSING LEIA EW EW EW]

I'm a journalist. I have sources.

[GOOD SAVE]

[no_light]

[ Hush. We don't talk about these kisses. Or Mom's metal bikini. ]

Some kind of journalist... Do you work for a tabloid? That would explain how you know gossip, but not the current political landscape of the galaxy.