tushanshu | post: Video

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post: Video

[Have an incredibly awkward looking Enjolras, who is, nonetheless, facing the camera straight on. There is really more just an uncomfortable gaze in his eye as he stares out, glances at a sheet of paper that he obviously does not really need and takes a breath to steady himself before beginning.]

I have learned recently that I posses the grand ability to hurt people without realizing that I do it. I do not mean to be careless with anyone but it has happened again recently, because I allowed it to happen, and I would like to take this moment to issue an apology to those of you I have unintentionally hurt by shutting you out over the past month. Because it felt easier, I have run away from my problems, hid from them, and from my closest friends, who I have, mostly, avoided since our work in the field here concluded.

I have lied to all of you since then, on a great number of inconsequential matters, broken some implied promises [Yeah, that thing where he told Gavroche he was eating? That's one of them.] and hidden, rather than face and deal with the truth.

The truth then, all of it, is that Ma...[Wait. He's not supposed to say its name and he knows better. So he's clearing his throat and starting again.] The truth is that the shadow being that I encountered acquainted me with some aspects of myself I had long ago assumed I had under control or had never seriously considered as detrimental or harmful until now.

[Have a moment where Enjolras is pausing, consulting that paper, paling, but starring onward into the screen. He heard and wrote what he's going to say next but that does not mean it is at all pleasant.]

For my friends who've come here from my home, I have never meant to be so careless with you as I've been in the past. Never careless with your lives, but careless with your feelings and our friendships. Consider this as a public admission and the start of an apology if you would have it. I do not wish to lose you, but what have I done this month but make it very possible?

To the new friends I have spoken to who have helped me to see reason, or been needed distractions at a time like this, thank you.

Speaking truthfully to all of you, I am quite far removed from what would consider 'all right', 'fine' or anything in between, but I intend, if there is a way, to recover. Will you help me find the way to start that?

[And here, Enjolras isn't shifting exactly, but there's a hand near his ear and he seems to be scratching at it behind his hair a little. Oh dear.]

On another note, attempting to self pierce one's ear with a needle is perhaps not the best of ways to go about it. Might there be a professional on this network willing to perform that service for me?

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[Moments after the post goes up, Jehan is knocking at Enjolras's door]

I did say you shouldn't, you know. [If he is scolding, it is extremely mild, however. He comes up from whatever he's been attending to, perhaps sketching, and gives Enjolras a brief pat on the shoulder.]

And you know, of course, that I will help you in any way I possibly can.

[Really, he should have expected that, and what was posting it but a sort of unspoken plea for his friends' help anyway? Still ,it's a bit difficult for Enjolras to answer. Admitting to weakness is difficult but he knows he'll need to see this through so he's opening the door, and offering Jehan a slight smile. As much as he can manage under the circumstances at least.]

Prou... Jehan. [He's found himself defaulting to informality more here, which is probably for the best. ] I believe I owe you an apology. For what I mentioned and for not seeking you out.

At least the damage is limited to be being little more than an irritation. I did at least know what to sterilize before I tried it. [That's the sort of tone that other people would stick their tongues out with, actually. And then Enjolras's expression is shifting a bit at the next part.] You are, of course, already. I may not trust myself, Etienne , but I do trust you.]

No, you owe me nothing of the sort, Apollon. You were not ready to seek me out. May I come in?

You did, yes, which means you have been listening at least somewhat. [There's a small lipquirk.] Well done.

Thank you. You need only ask, if you need anything.

Of course. And I contend that in the past, I have not always been, or tried to be a friend for...most of you. Not knowingly but...

[He's awkwardly stepping aside. to let Jehan in] Please. Before I stand here for hours talking at you.

Proof I AM capable of it when it comes to some things, I suppose. Or you are particularly interesting during these conversations. I am never certain.

When I know what I am asking for, I will, of course.

[He senses that Enjolras is talking about Grantaire. Jehan wisely says nothing and steps inside]

You were as good a friend as you knew how to be. No one could ask nor expect more of you.

[That IS part of it. Enjolras's arrival and Grantaire's departure were not ideal, certainly, and they are a part of that. There is also the fact that he's confronted so much about what he knew and believed and acted upon at the barricades, a process through which his friends were more than hurt, and the combination is intense. There is also the fact he has given Marius a chance lately and found the younger man not as intolerable that...well, it took something major for him to open his eyes on all of these fronts.]

As I knew how to be. That IS the problem. I do mean to get better at it now I have the time. It only seems right I put some of my own words into action. Would you like anything? Coffee?

Wine?

[Jehan is still not sure he trusts the water here, despite being here several months. Just...no.]

Only if you have some, however. I know it is still hard to come by.

Of course. I should have some, still actually.

[That? is probably sounder advice than not. And considering Enjolras's drinking habits, he has nearly an entire bottle left. It was not as though anyone's been coming here last few weeks so he's pouring and handing him a glass.]

I know so little of what you are doing these days. I would like to change that if it's possible.

There is not much to know, I am afraid. I have continued to work in one of the book shops here, I am beginning to look for flowers that might grow in the fall, and I have some poetry to share with Temeraire.

Well. Those all seem quite well enough for the moment. So you are writing still? I...really ought to have established something better for myself by now. I am afraid I'e been rather useless and listless compared to you.

I am. It is a wonderful distraction and is far healthier than anything else I might have done, I believe.

[He claps Enjolras's shoulder, comforting]

You have been bombarded with strange and terrible things since your arrival, my friend. It is only fair that you have less stability than I do.

To be fair, I have technically been here longer than I recall, however. Still. [Jehan is getting a smile for his efforts.] You give me a goal of sorts of reaching it if I may say so.

[The smile is returned]

If that will help you, then I will write and become as established in this city as I possibly can so that you may recover with all haste.

Ah but do it for your sake first and foremost. If I can be some encouragement of course, and take encouragement from your successes, I will appreciate that greatly but your success in poetry is important.

[He confesses first off that he doesn't know the first thing about Jehan's poetry, or poetry in general, beyond turns of phrase that he has needed for pamphlets but...regardless of that. ]

As much as I do not know much of what you do, I still know that it is important to others in the world. Do you know, when we were preparing, last spring, I promised myself that no matter what happened when it came to the barricades again, that I would get three of you out? You were among them. Not because I regarded you as less capable in any way but you were one of the three who could use your gifts to spread what was important to the world if we'd done badly. I do still wish I had been able to do that, though I would miss you here. You speak., in general, with poets, you speak the truth in ways a people is ready to hear, or in a way that truth can slip in and catch someone unawares. Your gifts...they have a power. I do wish the republic could have kept that in you.

[To hear that Enjolras thought that he was important to the republic, that he could serve the republic with his poetry and his words hits something inside Jehan that he didn't know existed. He'd always known that words had more power than anyone knew--why else would censors strive so hard to silence them?--but there is something powerful about hearing their leader say as much to him. He smiles, tearing up. Typical Prouvaire]

I am honored, though I am glad that I died for the republic. I cannot imagine a better way to go, honestly, and I have thought about death and dying far more than most consider healthy. Thank you, Enjolras.

I already know you are capable of many things, my brother.

Good. [And another brief touch to his shoulder, rather fondly.]

Well, when I choose to listen at any rate, we should say.

[And he's nuzzling against Ferre a little.] I...we have not spoken about what happened. Is there anything that I might do for you?

[It is, if nothing else, the simple truth of the matter. There was only so much influence that Enjolras had in the papers, and none of those had quite the power of poetry in the same way. He's returning Jehan's smile now, relieved that that did not turn out as badly as he'd thought it might to say.]

And I am honored you were there with us. Merely...I have been neglecting saying some of this for too long. It's what I spoke of earlier, being careless. I mean to make more effort now.

That is so, yes. I am pleased you choose to listen to me, from time to time.

[He settles down next to Enjolras and pulls up a chair, looking abstracted.] ...If I may be plain. I must admit that...I had many reservations about what we did, at home. I do not...[He makes a quiet little irritated noise in the back of his throat, and moves to rub his temples.]

I was not dedicated to our revolt. I failed you, in that respect, and our friends as well; I am guilty of their deaths as much as anyone else is.

Well, when it generally seems like I risk some sort of chaotic downfall by ignoring you. Or perhaps those faces you make. Being the cause of them can be a particular motivation in and of themselves.

[And then Enjolras is falling silent. He had meant with Malicant, but...perhaps this has to do with that too.]

Of course you had reservations. You made some of them clear, in the early days, you tried to make them clear still on the barricade itself, with some of the decisions I was forced to make. I valued that you continued to try, Ettiene.

[And Enjolras is sliding his own hands over to Combeferre's temple, pushing his fingers aside so he can take over.]

Perhaps you did in part. And I did in part by refusing to see several points as having any other outcome. Yet you still stayed. You chose to be there. That is hardly a failing in and of itself, and I...I was dead set on violence, much as I spoke of wanting peace. I saw no other way, perhaps there truly was not, yet...

I cannot say that I think you have done anything so horrific as all that. I...he suggested that I see justice done as I spoke of at the barricade with that man. [No question as to which of them he means] . He held...he had the exact pistol so that justice could be enacted, finally, that I could do to myself what I had done to the other, and the national guard. What I wished to do with the inspector, what I ought have done for...if not causing your deaths, being a precipitate of them.

But it would have only been one shot. I could never have had justice for all of you. There is too much to pay. You, at least knew where you stood, and tried to remind me I was a human and this fight was one for men as such, instead of idols.

I wish that I had listened to you a little more. I think we may, together, have managed something better, had I been near the same page as you were, instead of ...wherever I had gone to.

I am guilty of those deaths the way you feel you are. Because we did not...I was dedicated to one resolution, and you to another. I will not say those actions are why we failed, but I see the contribution...and I must not put you into that place again.

You never needed to say anything. If you were not honored to have us there, you would have sent us away as you did--or rather, tried to do--to Grantaire.

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