→ video

[controlledvariable]

Good morning Keeliai, how are we all today?

[Steph is sitting at her console, leaning back in her chair with her legs propped up on the desk. She's smiling, and for those that know her, it's the sort of smile that should be extremely concerning. Those that don't know her may also be feeling like they're about to hear something they don't want to.

She is going to be a terrible person today.]

I'm going to preface this message by saying that anyone under the age of 16, or whatever the age of legality is where you're from, should tune out now, please and thank you. I'm not gonna be explicit or anything, but it's probably not going to be appropriate for kids. [she gives a pointed look, yes you, Damian, switch off the computer now.]

I was taking an anthropology class back home, and my professor happens to be here too. [she wrinkles her nose, like yes, I know that's super weird, how do you think I feel?] And he's been giving me assignments and stuff, because apparently being kidnapped by a giant turtle isn't a valid excuse not to keep up with coursework. The topic we'd been studying before I got brought here was human sexuality, and Professor Craig suggested I write a paper on kedan sexuality instead. [Hi Bruce.] Except, uh, after the last couple weeks, I'm not really keen on that idea.

But I have been thinking about all these people with superpowers running around, and like - we've got comics back home, right? But they tend to focus on the whole defeating supervillains and stopping alien invasions side of things, which is great, sure, I love a good action story, but there's something that just never really comes up.

[she looks directly at the camera, the very picture of scientific curiosity] Do they - or, do you, for the superpowered people in the audience - ever use their powers for sex? This isn't a rhetorical question, by the way, if you have used your powers in the bedroom, feel free to share with the class.

And in the interest of not excluding anyone from the conversation, anyone who's just a regular old human, or whathaveyou, you can discuss what sort of powers you'd like to have, and how you'd use them to impress the gender-of-your-preference.

Don't feel like you have to respond directly to me, you're more than welcome to talk amongst yourselves. I figured we could use a little lighthearted chat to take our minds off the situation. Don't you agree?

[She winks, clearly trying not to laugh, and sits back in her chair to wait for responses]

Comments

[sharpes]

[Ahahahah...]

Okay, I can't even lie, I totally auditioned for the part of Edward.

[straight face.]

[controlledvariable]

[No why.]

The only nice thing I can say in this situation is that at least you would've been better looking than whatshisface. [everything else she could say would be mean.]

Just please tell me you don't think anything in those books is acceptable behaviour.

[she says, as if Tim wasn't a bit of s creeper.]

[sharpes]

[well he likes having his ego fluffed so he just grins.]

What, the creepy, stalker-ish tendencies and the borderline emotional abuse? So over it.

[he rolls his eyes. let's face it, he's more interested in Jacob.]

[controlledvariable]

[So Tim on bad days. Steph tries not to grimace.]

Good to know, I really don't need any of that crap in my life.

[sharpes]

Does anybody? Yikes.

[but seriously tho...]

[controlledvariable]

Apparently the entire Twilight fanbase does. [casually alarmed at the teenage population]

[sharpes]

Well, we just... don't talk about them, do we?

[controlledvariable]

Good plan. [She takes his hands in her own, lacing their fingers together]

There was something I did want to talk to you about, though.

[Speaking of - abuse. She wants to talk to him about the Clark thing.]

[sharpes]

Yeah?

[This sounds. Serious.

Not sure if apprehensive...]

[controlledvariable]

It's nothing big. [Just to reassure him right off the bat. "We need to talk" or any variation thereof is usually worrying.]

Did you know I'm working with Clark Kent, the reporter? [she's just going to start this conversation slowly. While trying to send 'pleaes don't freak out' vibes at Brandon.]

[sharpes]

[He scowls.]

That guy? He's a total douchebag.

[controlledvariable]

He's not. A dork, maybe, but not a douchebag.

[Because "dork" is kind of the image Clark tries to project]

I think you're a little too hard on him. [if her theory is right, she can understand why and doesn't blame Brandon at all, but she can't say it like that.]

[sharpes]

[He gives her something of a suspicious look.]

You know him? Like.

[handwave. he means from back home.]

[controlledvariable]

Nah, but I've gotten to know him a little. [She feels so bad about lying] He's nice. [a beat] And his wife is like, fifty different kinds of awesome. I kind of want to be her when I grow up.

[She is a little serious there. Lois is rad. But she's also trying to keep the conversation tone light]

[sharpes]

[slight incredulity.]

You haven't gotten that weird creepy 'look how nice I'm being to cover up for the fact I'm an asshole' vibe yet?

[controlledvariable]

Not at all. I know that vibe pretty well, but Mr Kent's just a genuinely nice guy, as rare as that is. [the look of disdain on her face is for people who are secretly assholes]

[sharpes]

[He purses his lips. Part of him wants to trusts Steph's judgement. The other part really hates how much Clark reminds him of Rick's fake-nice that he used to put on, for business meetings and the like. When it was just them and his mom the guy acted more like Tony Stark, but that was always... easier.]

Look, I don't want to argue. Just be careful around him, all right?

[controlledvariable]

I will be. [She's serious, because she knows he is, and she doesn't want him to worry about her, especially when this isn't something he needs to worry about.

And then she takes a moment to address the rest of what he says] I wasn't - trying to start an argument. I just wanted you to know that he's an okay guy.

[because of Reasons]

[sharpes]

[whoops he's a little agitated now.]

Why do you even care? It's not like I'm going to go out and electrocute the guy because he's a creep.

[controlledvariable]

[Oh fuck can she undo that last part and start again she wanted to avoid this because she doesn't know how to talk about her suspicions]

I didn't think you were. [fuuuuuuuuuck.

Okay, maybe it'll be better if she makes it about Clark, not Brandon?] I just think you might've hurt his feelings.

[please let that work]

[sharpes]

[... he just sort of stares in disbelief.]

You're worried about his feelings. Are you serious?

[That incredulity is still there, and there's a little bit of anger to it now too.]

[controlledvariable]

[nope wow that really didn't work]

Fuck. [She didn't mean to say that outloud, but it's there now so she's just... going to let go of Brandon's hands and take a couple steps back, so she can scrub her hands over her face.

She did this all wrong, didn't she?]

Is it too late to say "I just want everyone to get along"?

[she needs like ten adults]

[sharpes]

He's some guy you don't even know and you're worried about his feelings? What the hell!

[yep that sure is the unhappiest tone.]

Or is this a 'don't date someone my boss doesn't like' thing? Because hey, if it's him or me, I can walk.

[lashing out? maybe a little.

... probably a lot.]

[controlledvariable]

What? [Genuinely taken aback by that, and she has to just stare for a moment before her brain catches up. She won't snap back, because she has no right to, even if it means swallowing down her instinctive defensiveness] No, of course not. I couldn't care less about that, and I'd quit, anyway.

[... She would, too. She didn't realize until she'd said it out loud, but there you have it]

Brandon, please. [Please what? She doesn't know how to say anything; she should have put more thought into it before starting the conversation.] I don't want there to be any bad feelings. For anyone. That's all.

[That's not too hard to believe, is it? Steph thinks she's the sort of person who'd try to make sure everyone was happy anyway, even without Brandon's issues and the fact she knows Clark]

[sharpes]

No. That's bullshit. You can't just tell me how to act around anyone just because you want everybody to hug it out.

[HE IS SO OFFENDED ABOUT THIS. YOU CAN'T EVEN.]

I'm an asshole, Steph. It's part of who I am. You don't have to like it. But you don't get to boss me around, either.