tushanshu | 05 ☣ TEXT & VOICE;

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05 ☣ TEXT & VOICE;

Looking to gather some info. Please respond with succinct list of what you would consider unalterable laws of reality in your home dimension, e.g. gravity, conservation of mass, particular laws of magic.

Will attempt to compile results into meaningful commonalities across dimensions. Maybe there's a universal law somewhere.

Would prefer text response if possible. Thanks.

B. Banner

[The message is then repeated in audio, if preceded by Bruce clearing his throat, for those that can't read English.]

[Voice | 60% encrypted to castmates & established CR.]

Finally got fed up with everyone talking over my head and made a trade to see my future.

[A beat.

In utter, dry exasperation,] You're all nuts. What kind of teamwork was that?

[ooc: Bruce is now post-Avengers! If you're not sure if you're established CR, ping me and I'll let you know if they're included, but feel free to play fast and loose.]

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You're going to have to clue me in on your criteria for what constitutes being a dick.

[Okay, he can't totally contain himself on this one. Bruce hasn't had anyone he'd trust enough to tell this to aside from Betty, who's sort of the source of the problem, and he's frustrated enough that it wants to come out.]

He got-- Betty turned into a Hulk. A Hulk. There's multiple. And he cheated on her.

That's just the beginning.

[It's pretty obvious that he's taking all of it as a personal affront, too.]

[ Who the hell is Betty? ]

Really? Because it sounds like the middle to me.

[ Wouldn't it be better to have more Hulks? Then Hulk wouldn't be alone. ]

All right, so, he's a cheater and a... Did he turn Betty into a Hulk?

[Don't ask him who Betty is. Bruce doesn't have words for that. Her name has slipped out more easily now that he's talking about the other one, but talking about his isn't getting any easier. In fact, it's getting harder.]

He didn't stop it, [he says tightly.] And she-- she killed people. She couldn't help it.

He wasn't even there.

[There might be a little projection going on here. Just a little.]

[ Well, that clears up exactly nothing. Except that Betty killing people is bad, which isn't that shocking since anyone killing anyone is usually frowned upon. ]

Okay, can you pretend that I'm not pyschic for a minute and tell me who Betty is? Because I feel like that's probably a critical aspect of why Dick Bruce is a dick.

[Right. There's no reason Tony would know who she is.

Bruce struggles silently with what to say for a few long seconds of silence, grateful that this is voice and Tony can't see how much passes over his face. Unbridled emotions that he can't contain. It seems wrong, utterly wrong, that he knows about his father and not about Betty.

It's that more than anything that lets him say, flatly,] In that universe, she's his wife. I never had a chance to ask.

[ It's the silence as much as it's the flatness in his voice that tells him that this is a sensitive topic. Especially when he figures out the meaning of that last comment. Someone Bruce wanted to marry that some other Bruce got to have and subsequently screwed up.

Right. Tony knows he's the last person who should be touching this. He's never had a relationship that worked, or been with someone he wanted to marry. Except once, and the less he thinks about Sunset the better. But he can do this. He'll just pretend that he's JARVIS. JARVIS knows how to talk to people. ]

So if he shows up here, we show him what we think of guys who go to the Howard Stark School of Marriage. Sound good?

[ There. It doesn't pick at the issue and it's a little sharing of his own. This is how adults communicate. Right? ]

[That effectively plants another red flag in the subject of Tony's father. Potential abuse, or at least some reason to feel like he needs protection from him, and now Bruce learns that he'd done something equivalent to turning his wife into a Hulk and cheating on her.

Suffice to say, if Howard Stark shows up instead of another Bruce Banner, he isn't going to get any warmer a reception.]

I don't want to show him anything. I should probably just be kept away from him, or it might get a little... heated.

He probably won't like me any better than I'll like him. [That isn't hard to predict.]

Maybe we should just work on plugging the hole. Stop reality from leaking over like this.

[ Of course, if they do that... Well, what does it matter? He has JARVIS and Dummy. His family's already here. ]

Where'd you hear about Dick, anyway?

[ And just like that, this other Bruce Banner will forever be Dick as far as Tony's concerned. ]

You think that's possible? [he asks doubtfully.] It's not like it's unintentional leaking. Someone's in control of it. [At least in part, anyway.

There's a beat before he continues,] Betty. The other one, from that world. She's here.

[He honestly doesn't know what else he can add to that. It's so beyond words, and Bruce isn't accustomed to verbalizing his feelings. It's not a skill he's looking to acquire, either.]

[ Then they find the people in charge of it and stop them, he thinks, but in light of the revelation of a second Betty, he doesn't say it. The subject's obviously a delicate one, which means that he's going to botch it anyway, so he might as well go for the gold. ]

Yeah? She's here? So that means the official stance on me hooking up with women named Betty is not positive, right? I mean, just to be clear.

[ Not that he intends to sleep with Bruce's not-wife. But there are a lot of women named Betty in the universe and sometimes "Hi, what's your name?" turns into JARVIS politely greeting a guest in the morning. ]

[This is so blatantly not serious that it effectively preempts any botching of Tony's handling of the conversation. Bruce has to roll his eyes, though on voice Tony obviously can't see it.

He decides not to mention that he and Betty apparently have extremely colorful sexual histories in her world. Tony doesn't need the fodder, and he doesn't want to talk about it.]

I wouldn't suggest it, [he says with every ounce of sarcasm and dryness he can muster.] That would just be... too weird.

Imagine if she wasn't with me in the other universe. [Turning doubtful,] I wouldn't even know how to take that. [Probably with his usual silent angst, realistically speaking.]

Sorry, now you're sending me mixed signals. No, I'm not allowed to pick her up. Imagine a world where she's not with you and presumably I can pick her up.

[ He heaves an exaggerated sigh of aggravation. ]

If I end up taking her home by accident, it's totally on you. I don't want to hear any complaining about the bro code.

No, don't--

[An answering sigh as he realizes Tony is just needling him.]

Try to contain your bizarre bias toward people that can turn into rage monsters.

I'm sorry, what? My bias toward what?

[ His tone is still light, but there's a note of seriousness there that says he's not joking anymore. ]

I prefer the term green giant. The other one has connotations I don't agree with.

You're the one who said it, [he points out, immediately trying to steer things away from that note of seriousness.]

Anyway, Betty's is... is red. Not green. Apparently it was a different kind of radiation.

[Just don't ask him how that makes sense.]

Yeah, I did. And I made a mistake. One I'm sorry for making.

[ It's rare enough that he apologizes for something he's done. Apologizing and admitting that he's wrong happens even less frequently, but this is an important enough point that he doesn't mind doing it. He is, however, willing to relent afterward and go back to a lighter subject. ]

So Bettys are out. Big red hot giants are out. Anyone else you'd like to take off the table here? Tell me now, because after this, everyone else is fair game.

[It's on the tip of his tongue to argue. It wasn't a mistake. That's genuinely how Bruce feels, that he can't gainsay the epithet given its undeniable accuracy. He realizes, however, that that would open an entire can of worms that he doesn't want to go into. Tony's never going to budge on this, and whatever slight concession Bruce has made that the Hulk isn't entirely uncontrollably destructive isn't enough to change his mind on whether or not he's a monster.

Getting a sentient pronoun doesn't mean Bruce thinks he should be catered to under some delusion that he deserves the same level of consideration as a person. And if the thing being catered to here is Bruce's feelings, well, that's even more pointless.

So he keeps his mouth firmly shut for a full second, again grateful that this is audio only.] Don't worry about it.

That should do it, [he declares, taking the question seriously.] Otherwise, feel free to keep me uninformed about your sex life.

I don't know whether to be offended that you don't want to hear about my life or thank you for assuming that I have one.

[ Probably a little of both. It's nice to think that people think he's still capable of having normal human interactions. It's also annoying to be reminded that he doesn't have anyone to talk to about the sort of things that he would talk to someone about. If he wasn't who he is and actually opened up to someone other than JARVIS. ]

Who did you make this trade with? To see the future?

Don't you have one? [He's nonplussed for a moment, and then realizes he definitely doesn't want to get into whatever Tony is or isn't doing with Pepper.] Wait. Never mind. You can tell me if you really need to... lacking details.

[Bruce wouldn't mind being vented at from time to time, he's just leery of it including far more physical details than he wants to hear.

That seems like an abrupt subject change, but he goes with it.] The Emperor. She was pretty agreeable about finding something I'd be willing to trade.

I'd need something for there to be details. Lucky for you, you're in the clear.

[ It's as audible a shrug as the human vocal register can manage. The man who has nothing and nothing is getting used to the idea, as difficult as it is to swallow. ]

How many hoops you gotta jump through to get an audience with her?

Oh. Well... good. [There's really nothing else he can say to that. Nothing that won't encourage more sharing, anyway.]

None, but she only takes requests for it every couple months. You thinking of doing it?

That's what all the cool kids are doing, right? I don't like missing the bandwagons.

You'd be the farthest one ahead, then. As far as I know.

Let me know what you decide. [Keep in touch, effectively.]

Yeah. I will.

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05 ☣ TEXT & VOICE;

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