Series I - Video

[ajrimmerssc]

[A jumped up, egotistical little squirt of a man appears on the video feed. He throws a salute that is best described as, erm. Lots. Yes, there's lots of saluting going on here. And then he finally snaps his fingers away from his forehead, and nods curtly at the camera from his suite in the Metal sector.]

Good evening, residents of the Turtle. I'm Acting Captain Arnold J. Rimmer, of the Jupiter Mining Corporation deep space vessel Red Dwarf. And while I'm none too keen on the whole "kidnapped to an alternate dimension" smeg, I must admit I'm not surprised I was chosen for this war. Great generals are surely lacking here, it's just an inevitability.

Although I do find it rather hard to believe that a woman's in charge of this whole operation. Tell me, who's the real brains behind the beauty, hmm? It won't do for your newest commanding officer to not know his superiors. Or his subordinates. I want names, I want ranks, I want practical experiences!

Or, failing all that, the nearest exit? I think battling a multi-dimensional entity of purest evil on the back of a giant turtle might be the tiniest bit above my pay grade. Thanks ever so.

[Another salute! This one even longer than the opening salute. And then, mercifully, the feed cuts out.]

Comments

video;

[asoothingvoice]

[Really.]

Well, Acting Captain, [She's completely not impressed or surprised by the fact you're introducing yourself as an acting one; you definitely couldn't be an actual one, with that sort of attitude,] I'm sure you'll find it easy to believe now that you're here.

Now that you're here, you're stuck here just like everyone else.

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[ajrimmerssc]

[Yes, really. Weep for the turtle, for Rimmer is here.]

...Stuck? Completely stuck? There's no way out?

That's bollocks, there's always a way out. You just haven't found it yet.

audio;

[bacondivination]

[ He's trying dreadfully hard not to sound amused. After the week he's had, Bianca going off on some guy is the best thing ever. ]

Congratulations, you're a dead man. I do suggest a tad bit less misogyny in your next life. Women as a whole don't tend to appreciate it.

Video for Rimmer still

[ajrimmerssc]

...I beg your pardon, how did you know I was dead?! What the smeg are you on about?

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[cmdreffingshepard]

[OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

Like wow did that come out of left field or what? Shepard is trying to keep her cool, here. Keep it professional.]

Do you have a problem with women in positions of power?

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[ajrimmerssc]

[He has so many problems with all women ever. Um. It's the result of childhood trauma?? Honest.]

Not at all! I've known plenty of women in the captain's chair. But everybody knows the best test pilots and marines are men.

Not Here

[asoothingvoice]

[Woman power aw yeah. Time to put this misogynist jerk through the grinder.]

[justlittle]

[Bean saw the other responses. The poor misogynistic bastard has dug himself a deep enough hole.]

Your opinions of women in positions of power aside, I might as well tell you that there is no exit, at least not one you can count on. People leave, but it's seemingly at random.

[ajrimmerssc]

That makes no bloody sense. If we're being brought here to fight a war, then why let your soldiers go halfway through the battle? Or the planning phase? Which, again, was none too clear from that briefing.

[fuckcable]

[Rictor has a salute for you right here. It's quick. It's to the point, and it only takes one finger.]

[ajrimmerssc]

...Oh, charming. Very nice. I score it six out of ten for effort.

[superieure]

You lose points on style but I'd give you nine out of ten for effectiveness.

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[superieure]

Oh, look, a trainwreck pretending to be a person. She really will just bring anyone here.

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[fuckcable]

[Ordinarily, he would argue this statement, but did you hear this guy? ]

Maybe she was after one of his crew and missed. Behind every dingbat commander that's still breathing, there's a private that's the Bravest Little Toaster ever.

I know. Do you know how many war movies I've seen? And I saw the Brave Little Toaster under duress.

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[doc_holi]

Is there something wrong with a woman in power, Captain?

[Back home, she outranks you. By a lot.]

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[ajrimmerssc]

Of course there isn't! Goodness gracious, one off-handed remark and suddenly I have half the people here jumping down my throat for no bloody reason.

I mean, really. Are you all such good friends with this Emperor woman?

[video]

[littlecousin]

Namorita Prentiss, Princess of the House of Kamuu, heir presumptive to the throne of the Empire of Atlantis. Pleased to meet you, Acting Captain Rimmer.

[This is the first time in her entire year-plus tenure here she's introduced herself by her royal styling. Congratulations, Rimmer, the nicest person on the turtle doesn't like you.]

[video]

[ajrimmerssc]

[Oh hello~ Rimmer gets a shit-eating smirk on his face, and gives Namorita another brief salute.]

Charmita! A real, honest-to-goodness princess, hm? Like...Princess Kate?

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[wintershepherd]

[ And Jack thought he held the record for most food in mouth moments. He'll stay on video for the moment but if Rimmer can't see him, he'll have to switch. ]

I'd apologize if I were you, or you're gonna be making your next message from about thirty-six body pieces.

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[ajrimmerssc]

[Rimmer? Having belief, imagination, faith or a sense of child-like wonder? PFFFFT. Smegging hell, of course he can't see him. In fact, he can't even hear him. To Rimmer's point of view, all there is is a glitchy video file, with some strange whispering coming out of the speaker. He taps the camera on his end, confused as hell.]

What the smeg...?

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[looksfine]

[Unamused robot is unamused. And also female, which is why his commentary struck a circuit with her. Because, lbr, she could totally take you in a fight any day of the week.]

Is it common for those of your world to base the merits of one's actions solely on biological gender?

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[ajrimmerssc]

[Let's be even realer, a preschooler could turn Rimmer into a quivering mass of sputum, waving a white flag.]

It's just how things are, honestly.

Wait, hang on, you're a mechanoid, aren't you?

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[violetsedanchair]

[Walter is sat in front of his console. He doesn't realize the red light is blinking.]

What a strange man! [Walter picks up a notepad and scribbles something on it. Then breaks into a very pleased grin.] Loki won't need to turn him into a pig, he already is one! Ha!

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[bacondivination]

Fascinating, isn't it? Certainly closer than most, at least.

[Video]

[vhaidtluin]

You are the biggest fool I've come across in a long time.

[Video]

[ajrimmerssc]

[Rimmer just rolls his eyes.]

Yes, thank you, editorial opinions not withstanding, can we focus on the part where there's an actual war going on?

[Video]

[fuzzyelf]

Congratulations on getting on the wrong side of most of the turtles population. I think you broke a record.

[Video]

[ajrimmerssc]

[Yes yes, we've covered that part, nobody likes Rimmer, par for the course, what else is new? Sorry, he's more focused on the fact that-...]

You're blue.

And rather fuzzy.

Are you a GELF?

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[wrathfulkhan]

Wow...a jackass and a coward. Color me impressed.

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[ajrimmerssc]

Oh, I see how it is. I have to simply put up with insults all day long. How charming. What a fantastic welcoming committee you all are.