001 ♋ VIDEO

[crabmunicator]

[The post begins with a shot of Karkat's grey, frowning face. This is not actually unusual, but lest it be dismissed as no more than his usual expression, there is the tone of his words to follow.]

Guess what! Apparently it's not enough for a guy to to learn one of the friends he hasn't seen in literal years is brainwashed and crazy. Apparently it's not enough to be informed that his Empress--not this "Emperor" here, the actual one from my world--expects him to just bow and scrape and go yes, your Condescension, I'd be happy to serve as your brand spanking new slave. It is not even enough, believe it or not, to be brutally murdered by giant fork by an even crazier broad than your brainwashed friend! Wow, who knew, right?

[He makes an exaggerated roll of his eyes.]

Instead of getting off that easy, nevermind the brief stint of amnesia and all the other chaos going on, I get brought here. Some giant fucking turtle in the middle of whatever planet this is, I don't care, don't even try to tell me because I am fresh out of shits to give. And for some kind of war against this M--

[He throws up his hands.]

Whoops! Can't say the M-name because magic is real and he might come get us. Wow, I am quaking so hard I might just barf up my organs in fear.

But let's stop being retarded for a while, shall we?

[His expression turns more serious, and his arms fold against the desk as he leans in closer.]

Who's here that knows me? Anyone? On my team or not, I want to know, and I want to know promptly. Beyond that, who here has any clue about getting out of this place? I didn't ask those keddy whatevers because obviously I wouldn't have been brought here if the point was just to let me waltz back to where I was. And yeah, yeah, I heard time is stopped there, but do you think I'd be asking this if I cared about that? I have big, important, leaderly business to do, and I cannot summon the electrical impulse to fire the neurons that would make me care about this mandatory break in plans. If you have info, I want to hear it, the end.

[And with that, he ends the video.]

Comments

1/2

[unconchonable]

[Eridan has to gawk at the screen a bit. Sure, he is well aware that eventually someone from his own universe would show up, considering the very nature of this place, but this? This is not what he was expecting at all. Out of everyone, he prefers Karkat, even if he's a bit sore with him for no more reason than he's sore with everyone else. Maybe less so, but he's still got the impression that they are on different sides now. Eridan has made his choice with what he did back in the veil, and nothing is changing that. But, beyond all of that, Karkat looks at least a sweep older now, and he's not sure what to think of it. He almost doesn't want to reply, considers just ignoring this altogether and trying to avoid the gutterblood.]

[text] 2/2

[unconchonable]

[Of course, he didn't really listen to anything Karkat said, too busy being completely surprised by him being there, or looking older, that he's more or less tuned all that blathering out. However, he does catch that end bit about his team, and Eridan can't help but reply despite himself. No video, though, just a short text message should do enough.]

cant vvery wwell say im on your team
but im here

[text]

[crabmunicator]

[Just text? It makes his eyebrows lift, but he's not all that surprised when he sees the accompanying quirk. Trolls and ridiculously typed text go together, man. More important is which quirk it is, one he hasn't seen in so, so long, for all he's see the troll himself off an on - versions of him, at least.]

URGENT MESSAGE FROM CAPTAIN BULGEROT TO ADMIRAL CHUMREEK: DIG YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR WASTE CHUTE AND WASH THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR SPONGE CLOTS.
THIS IS AN ORDER FROM YOUR LEADER AND I EXPECT PROMPT COMPLIANCE.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN DEAD HOWEVER LONG DOESN'T MEAN YOU AREN'T ON MY TEAM, ASSHOLE.
CAN'T SAY I EXPECTED TO HEAR FROM YOU FIRST OF ANYONE, BUT MY SURPRISE IS SECONDARY TO THE FACT YOU'RE ACTUALLY HERE.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AROUND, AND ARE YOU ALPHA ERIDAN OR ONE OF THE OTHERS?
PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THE ONES WITH SKIRTS, I HAVE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH WITHOUT HAVING TO IMAGINE YOUR HUSK DONNING PLAID AND A TUBE TOP.
THEN AGAIN, HOW ARE WE EVEN SUPPOSED TO TELL?
AM I EVEN ALPHA KARKAT ANYMORE??
WAS THIS "SUPPOSED" TO HAPPEN OR...
UGH, FORGET IT, I WENT THROUGH ENOUGH EXISTENTIAL BULLSHIT THE PAST THREE YEARS AS IT IS.

[text]

[unconchonable]

[Wha......t]

wwhoa wwait sloww the fuck dowwn
first off i aint fuckin dead and second off wwhy the bloody fuck aint you mad at me and still sayin youre my leader
im pretty sure that aint the fuckin case no more
also im the only one of us here besides you and ivve been here for about a perigee
and do i evven WWANT to knoww wwhat the fuck youre talkin about wwith the other mes in skirts because sounds like some utter bee ess if i evver heard any
at least that explains wwhy you look older though i still aint got a clue howw long that evven is or wwhy the fuck youre usin years
speak in time measurements i fuckin KNOWW

video;

[disfavored]

[Goodness all of these grey children have such colorful language.]

Sounds like your Empress is a joy to be around. I'm afraid the Emperor isn't really known for her pleasant demeanor, either.

video;

[crabmunicator]

[Karkat peers over the display briefly. Some adult human? New, but nothing he can't deal with.]

[He starts the actual response with an eye roll.]

She is a goddamn pearl. Do this for me because I want you to, don't mind me mind controlling your friend, or this other chick, or having other chick stab you. After all, your efforts will be rewarded with a cozy little slavery gig in the new universe. What a gift, right?

And the Emperor looked at me like I was something a barkfiend horked up. Why is she the Emperor, anyway? The term is Empress.

video;

[disfavored]

I honestly don't know. At this point, saying she goes by that title just to frustrate people doesn't seem far-fetched. Either way, don't expect to get any useful information from her by asking for it.

She did mention something about us returning home once 'the M word' was defeated, however.

video;

[crabmunicator]

[Karkat snorts unattractively through his nose.]

Why am I not surprised? Who cares that some of us can't be assed to fight her war for her when bribery is on the table. It reaches the vaunted rung of marginally better than what the Empress laid out, but it's not enough for me to care.

video;

[candystriped]

I hope that word vomit wasn't intended to impress anyone.

video; eeeeeeee a Stocking!

[crabmunicator]

[Wow. That is not a hair color he's seen on anyone, ever. Is that natural? But as it stands, it's less important that what she said.]

Do you have a point or are you just bitching emptily into the ether, hoping you can dredge up my feelings from their tight as fuck lockdown to put a gash on them? The attempt failed, by the way. It's hardly my fault if you can't handle someone being a little craftier with words than the average douchebag on the street.

Re: video; o////o

[candystriped]

Right, because you get a sense of pride from besting the lowest common denominator of intelligence around here? Congratulations but I wouldn't be bragging about that if I were you, it's the opposite of impressive.

video; Stocking's my favorite character from that show

[crabmunicator]

[His expression turns flat.]

Do not even start on my intelligence. I already know where I stand. Am I the smartest guy around? No! I freely fucking admit it! There are people on my team who could run intellectual circles around me if they decided to prove it, and I accept and am comfortable with that fact. But bitch, don't you dare think I'm just some run of the mill, turd-for-a-sponge moron. My wordsmithing is a fucking talent, and if it's not your style, who cares? You're the one wasting time by whining to me about it, instead of doing the adult thing by shutting her flap and minding her own business.

audio;

[superieure]

[Completely deadpan:]

And if that's not bad enough, you have to play twenty questions with an incredibly unhelpful populace, and only find anything slightly useful after several hours in front of the monitor. It's such a conspiracy.

You should write a letter of complaint. Or perhaps a novel.

audio;

[crabmunicator]

Why is it that whenever some asshole has a bad day and decides to complain about it, every wet bulge dripping in the vicinity presumes it's their duty to come display their so-called "wit" - imagine my fingers miming enclosure talons - by dropping off the sorriest payload of snark their feeble minds can come up with?

Listen, idiot: I've been complaining about shit for years, verbally and in writing, profusely as the occasion calls for, and I am not going to stop just because you or anyone else thinks they're funny.

Don't even argue to me about the actual words you said. I've been around humans long enough to recognize their sarcasm, and I have no more time for it now than when I first discovered that delightful nookstain of cultural behavior.

Either give me some actual info, or else shut up and screw off.

audio;

[superieure]

Well, you said it yourself, didn't you? You're an asshole. I'm willing to be tolerant and delightfully witty at the same time.

[She's a little disappointed he's not engaging in a verbal fencing match with her, but it's not a big deal. There's other ways to entertain herself.]

Unfortunately for you, I am right. There's nothing useful on this network. If you want information, you have to interrogate the kedan population and the Emperor yourself.

['Or ask me', goes unsaid, but she wants to see how badly he needs the info.]

And if you're going to complain about me - I'm a mutant. At least do it properly.

audio;

[crabmunicator]

[Karkat listens to her response, irritation sitting at a steady simmer throughout the most of it, even as he files away the name "kedan" for the local species. He'd heard it mentioned before, but hadn't cared enough at the time to commit it to memory. The absence of useable info threatens to tip that simmer to a boil--]

[--until the proverbial heat cuts out abruptly in time with her last words.]

... A mutant? Seriously?

[If he sounds curious, it's because he is, and a little shocked besides. He didn't expect to find someone else who can claim the label.]

voice;

[bacondivination]

Huh, another one of the grey guys. How dreadfully impressive your race proves to be thus far.

[ Do you hear the sincerity? Or, you know, the deadpan borderline disinterest. One of those. ]

voice;

[crabmunicator]

[How about that snarl lining Karkat's tone?]

Seriously. Is there some natural deficiency in you guys that says, as a species, you must all automatically think you're funny when you're obviously and painfully not even close? You are as entertaining as an ulcer, and all you pretentious fucks think you're irritating enough to perforate, but no. The lining of my digestion sack is solid steel, galvanized and impervious.

voice;

[bacondivination]

Whoa, the tryhard is strong with this one. Also, wow, way to be totally racist there. Have you even yet met one of my race before? So doubtful.

video »

[dow]

Have you been provided with sufficient information?

video »

[crabmunicator]

Wow, I wonder! I've had one asshole I actually know come in and give me no more than disbelief, arguments, and aching disappointment. I've had strangers come in and troll me like they are even halfway to being as good as the species who fucking invented the concept. I have tiny nuggets of half-info dropped off like crumbs from someone's nutrition plateau, and I am expected to make a meal of that feeble offering.

No, I have not been provided with sufficient information.

text »

[dow]

[ Promptly sending over a coherent text file for noobs. You're welcome, Karkat, but don't expect him to play host to that foul temper. ]

video; 15 minutes late with starbucks

[trifurcate]

Can't say that I've got a lot of answers for you myself, but if people here can't help you out, you can drop by the Brazen Turtle and see if anyone there can give you more information?

[He looks too young for booze but there are meals available and that's worth something, right?]

We get a lot of foreigners in there so you might catch some of the ones who don't spend a lot of time network-surfing. First beverage is on the house, too.

video; still totally welcome! hello hello

[crabmunicator]

[Karkat is first expecting someone who thinks their mockery is funny, given the number of others who have cropped up with that attitude. But this woman? It seems like she has actually good intentions. He winds up looking a touch surprised as he answers.]

What's the Brazen Turtle? And where is it? If not for the directions to this place I'd still be out there, wandering in the cold, freezing my ass off skin layer after skin layer.

video; hello /o/

[trifurcate]

[Bryn looks as if she sympathizes. Half her family lives in an almost desert like climate so yes, she gets it entirely.]

My tavern? Here.

[She pings the location through the network, which shows the BT to be right at the center of the city, or near enough in the Fire sector.]

But believe me, I understand, it's blighting cold outside. They've got vouchers for warmer clothes if you didn't already get some, and hot drinks here if you think you can make it over.