video;

[upshore]

[There's a man in his late 20s on the screen, and he looks tired. Not like he hasn't been sleeping well - though that, too - but like 'tired' is just generally a state of being for him. His hands are out of frame. He's going to keep it that way.]

Not to diss Raine and Heather, without whom I would be dead, and I am very grateful for their help, I've got a question. Out of curiosity, are there any doctors here? Gonna be clear here - I don’t mean maniacs with rusty shears, I don’t mean someone with a penchant for making people into unwilling human guinea pigs for whatever the fuck, I don’t mean Dr. Strangelove’s crazier Nazi cousin who’s trying to turn mental patients into batteries for nanomachines with more tubes in them than that one senator guy called the internet.

‘Cause before I let anyone come near me with so much as a stethoscope in future, I’m going to need to see some medical credentials.

[A pause, and then:]

Also, if anyone comes at me dressed as a priest, this is the only warning you’ll get that I am going to set you on fucking fire. It worked on the last guy.

Comments

[no_light]

You do realize that this city is home to two different religions with their own priests, don't you? One of these cults is currently building a large new temple.

[ And there is nothing wrong with rusty shears. Every torturer's gotta start somewhere. Be a little more open-minded, Miles. ]

[upshore]

As long as they stay clear of me, we won't have a problem.

[Kylo, no.]

I'm mostly talking about priests using the Christian vernacular, anyway. [Even if it was very very very very not Christianity at all.]

[no_light]

They seem respectful enough, on the whole. It's actually rather surprising just how respectful they are. [ Yeah, he may be working for the twins, but so much religious tolerance leaves him actually very suspicious. ]

I have never heard of a Christian cult. Are their priests often set on fire?

[upshore]

Respectful or not, I would like them to stay at least one football field away from me at all times.

Um...no. Pretty much never. Like, when you say "cult", think Jim Jones, Peoples Temple, squirreled-away-in-the-jungles-of-Guyana-and-drinking-poisoned-Flavor-Aid kind of cult.

[Miles, he is not going to get that reference.]

[no_light]

[ Yeaaaah. He is so not getting it. But hey, this earns you a look like he'S bitten into a sour lemon. ]

I... don't know? We have the Church of the Force, and other Light Side worshippers, which are an infestation.

[ And Kylo had a whole lot of them burned. So... that counts, right? ]

[upshore]

[Miles squints.] The Force...? Like, lightsabers and Jedi force?

[no_light]

[ Yeah, and he's squinting, too. ]

Yes, just like that. I take it you have heard of them.

[ As in, spoke to the Jedi that used to live on the turtle. ]

[upshore]

Uh, yeah, who hasn't? I wanted to be one when I was a kid. Then my mom took away my plastic lightsaber after I hit someone with it so I had to pick something else to do.

[no_light]

[ Okay. Officially moving from Lost In Translation to Am I Dreaming Or Is This Really A Pink Tauntaun territory. ]

You... had a plastic lightsaber as a child?

[ A moment of stunned silence. ]

From which planet are you?

[ Because this must mean that Miles is from his own universe. ]

[upshore]

[Miles blinks. Whaaaat.]

Eaaaarth...?

[no_light]

[ More squinty eyeing. ]

Are you sure? None of the other Earth inhabitants knew of the Force. Maybe you're from a different earth than them. It is a ridiculously generic name.

[upshore]

Well, maybe they were just horrifyingly culturally deprived.

[no_light]

[ Still misunderstanding. Because not having heard about the Jedi is being culturally deprived. ]

That is possible. Come to think of it, I don't think any of them I spoke of mentioned being from a spacefaring age.

[upshore]

We've been to the moon and landed a couple probes on Mars, but I wouldn't really consider that "spacefaring"...

[no_light]

I wouldn't call that spacefaring either.

[ More like, pathetic. ]

[upshore]

[THEY'RE TRYING OKAY]

I stand by my "horrifyingly culturally deprived" theory.

[no_light]

In the same way in which you are deprived of proper galactic civilization altogether. But at least you know about the Force... and the Jedi.

[ The Jedi. Ugh. ]

[upshore]

Yeah, well, I wish we weren't so--

[Record scratch.]

--hold up. Are you a Jedi?

[no_light]

No! Of course not!

[ He looks so offended, too. ]

Don't be ridiculous.

[upshore]

...ooookay then. So, what then?

[no_light]

I use the Dark Side of the Force.

[ Duh. He's wearing black and has a red lightsaber. What more does it take? Does he need it written on his forehead?]

[upshore]

[WELL YOU'RE NOT USING YOUR LIGHTSABER KYLO, SHEESH.]

Oh. That's, uh, that's great. How's that working out for you?

[no_light]

[ HE COULD IF YOU WANT TO.

And you're really making him want to, by the way. Friendly warning. ]

Just fine, thank you. I'm the Master of the Knights of Ren.

[ Don't you dare be unimpressed by that. ]

STOP QUOTING KANYE, MILES

[upshore]

...I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish, but one question: what the fuck are the Knights of Ren?

[He needs context, okay.]

NO DON'T STOP MILES

[no_light]

[ THAT MAKES TWO OF THEM, UPSHUR. ]

Of course you would know the Jedi but not the Knights of Ren. [ Le Sigh. Life is cruel and unusual yadda yadda yadda. ] We are a group of powerful Force users in the service of Supreme Leader Snoke of the First Order. Which is a great galactic power.