tushanshu | 001

[This is John Colby.

He’s one of the best agents in the F.D.A.

When John Colby took a butcher knife to the face, he received facial reconstruction surgery that left him with half a terminator face and the awesome perk of a multi-million dollar processor where his damaged brain once was.

The injuries peppering his face and the arm in the sling have nothing to do with that injury. Those came from an angry octogenarian after she discovered he was two-timing her with another man.

It wasn't pretty.]

All right everyone, listen up. Agent John Colby, F.D.A. [And with that he flashes his badge to the camera with his good arm.] I've got two questions for you: first, any of science nerds out there? I need one of you to come and look at my eye. [Yes, the creepy red one, not the normal one.] It's not working and I prefer to use two goddamn eyes. The door says "FI-1C." Knock first or I'll shoot.

Second, and this is important so listen up, where is the cheapest place I buy booze? This is not something to take in sober. And I really don't give a shit about any illegal chicken joints--if this place even has chicken--so let's not even pretend that might be an issue, 'kay? I just want to get shitfaced in peace.

[He pauses.] Actually, I got one more question, though it's more a request. If anyone here has seen my partner, an insufferable little prick named Chu, let me know. Ton, if you're watching this you better fucking contact me, got it?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm not being a jerk about it!! [Yes you totally are.]

I'd like to think i'm allowed to find this situation fucked up, seeing as before today the worst I had to deal with were those fucking food freaks!

What, the chicken thing again?

[He is liking you less and less by the minute, mister.]

The "chicken thing" only seemed to bring all of them out, but they were around before that.

Okay, I'm confused. Who are these "freaks"?

People that do freaky shit with food. Turn into it, put their memories in it, manipulate people through it... I'm so fucking done with them.

What, like... superpowers?

[HAHA WOW HE REALLY ISN'T GONNA LIKE THIS GUY.]

Which food superhero peed in your Cheerios this morning?

[Groans.] Yes, like superpowers.

The one that killed my partner's sister, for starters. Let's start with him and I can work my way down from there.

[Ouch. Jaime's no idiot-- he knows that people use their powers for destruction all the time-- but meeting someone who'd been directly affected is a little different. His expression of annoyance flickers briefly to concern before settling on something more serious.]

I'm really sorry to hear that. But, well... the people with powers here, or at least the ones I know, aren't bad. We're all trying to work together to get out of here.

[Rolls his eyes.] Well that makes everything all better then. Don't get me wrong, kid, not all of the food freaks I met back home were trying to kill me--though most were--but even the assholes with the best of intentions were dangerous. [At that he subconsciously touches his metallic jaw. Thanks for that again, partner.]

That's not their fault. You can't choose what life you stumble into, even if you can choose how to deal with it.

[A sore spot? A little.]

Is there anybody regulating them? Or helping the non-criminal ones deal?

There isn't a food freak support group if that's what you're asking. We take down the dangerous ones, but everyone else is on their own.

Not even a Justice League or anything like that? What kind of place is that?

[Thank god for that.] Normal. [I wouldn't go that far, John...]

For you, maybe. [At least they haven't had a Crisis yet.]

I feel sorry for you if living with superpowered yahoos going by the name "Justice League" is normal. Let me guess, they aren't regulated either. Your real cops must be thrilled.

The good ones cooperate with the cops. The GCPD and Batman work together, but nobody wants to acknowledge it because of legal stuff.

[he watches the news so what.]

Yeah, because do you have any idea how much fucking paperwork we'd have to fill out? Also, the keyword there is "good." I can only imagine how few fit that description.

I'm telling you, we've got a League. And the Teen Titans. We're very organized.

[minus the time Kid Devil threw a house party in Titans Tower........]

Oh, well... if you've got a League!

You know who else has a league? The mob. Manson. Every goddamn wannabe street punk has a fucking league!

Why can't you just accept that some people actually want to do good with the powers they probably didn't even ask for?

Because it's usually the people who want to do good that wind up causing the most damage!

So, what, we should all just give up? Wanna make something of your stupid superpowered life? Too bad, you're gonna screw it up no matter what you try?

Did I say that? Only that there are rules about things.

[He was gong to yell some more, only to realize what he just said. He laughs instead.

He's crazy, Jaime, run away.]

[Nope. Screw it. Jaime is done with you, Colby-- he hangs up with an exasperated noise.]

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