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[fdaterminator]

[This is John Colby.

He’s one of the best agents in the F.D.A.

When John Colby took a butcher knife to the face, he received facial reconstruction surgery that left him with half a terminator face and the awesome perk of a multi-million dollar processor where his damaged brain once was.

The injuries peppering his face and the arm in the sling have nothing to do with that injury. Those came from an angry octogenarian after she discovered he was two-timing her with another man.

It wasn't pretty.]

All right everyone, listen up. Agent John Colby, F.D.A. [And with that he flashes his badge to the camera with his good arm.] I've got two questions for you: first, any of science nerds out there? I need one of you to come and look at my eye. [Yes, the creepy red one, not the normal one.] It's not working and I prefer to use two goddamn eyes. The door says "FI-1C." Knock first or I'll shoot.

Second, and this is important so listen up, where is the cheapest place I buy booze? This is not something to take in sober. And I really don't give a shit about any illegal chicken joints--if this place even has chicken--so let's not even pretend that might be an issue, 'kay? I just want to get shitfaced in peace.

[He pauses.] Actually, I got one more question, though it's more a request. If anyone here has seen my partner, an insufferable little prick named Chu, let me know. Ton, if you're watching this you better fucking contact me, got it?

Comments

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[untilmydarknessgoes]

So what'd a chicken do to you?

Run over your dog? Made fun of you at show-and-tell? Or was it more sinister and stole your Snackpack?

[He could mention the booze thing, but he's pretty sure the Temperance League will get to it sooner or later.]

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[fdaterminator]

To me? Nothing, it's fucking delicious.

But I know people don't like talking to the FDA when chicken's still technically illegal, either. I decided to cut through the bullshit and tell people I don't care.

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[untilmydarknessgoes]

Since when is chicken illegal?

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[fdaterminator]

Since the bird flu?

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[untilmydarknessgoes]

That never happened?

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[dustonmyfeet]

One eye, oh noes.

[Excuse Toph. She's being particularly dry today. Especially since this event has taken her own sight and she's ticked off about it.]

[Meanwhile have a small girl twisting in the twisty chair, leaning her cheek into one hand and giving an absolute deadpan expression that has no focus to the eyes.]

Sorry, Mr. Sunshine, but all extra abilities are down today. And yesterday. And probably tomorrow.

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[fdaterminator]

It's bad enough I have to look like a freaking terminator, at least I don't have to think about it when it's not all for show.

[Colby's an ass, and even if he noticed she was very clearly blind, he wouldn't care.]

How exactly is "sight" an extra ability?

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[dustonmyfeet]

[Works just as well for Toph! But she may still mock him for being irked about it.]

Good question. When you find someone with the answer, let me know.

But yeah. Assuming you've got something different with your eye if you say it's not working and you're looking for science nerds. Everybody's abilities are down if you've got special powers or technology or whatever.

So if you do have something different with your eye . . . that'd be why.

The kedan didn't tell you?

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[fdaterminator]

[Colby would be completely fine with that. Turnabout is fair play.]

It does computery stuff, but it's primarily a goddamn eye. You can turn one off without the other. [He thinks.]

The locals weren't exactly forthcoming with information. [...Mainly because Colby cursed them out, mocked their appearance, and threatened bodily harm when they wouldn't answer his questions straight.]

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[dustonmyfeet]

[How do you put a computer in your eye, anyway? Now Toph is imagining the huge box thing that she's talking on sprouting from someone's head; it's her only real experience with computers. She has enough sense to suspect it's not like that, but. Sometimes it would be nice to be able to just tell these things with a glance.]

Huh. [For the moment she stops spinning the chair, giving a smirk towards the screen.] Did you hit one too?

[Well, okay, she bit one of hers. But whatever.]

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[escarabajo]

The FDA.

[dead. pan.]

The Food and Drug Administration has actual agents? And your beef against chicken [heh heh, beef, chicken] aside, doesn't the USDA do meat and stuff in the first place, anyway?

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[fdaterminator]

[Bad puns, mocking his authority, and bringing up the USDA. Kid you have one -1 million points from Colby.]

Since the bird flu epidemic to your first two questions. The USDA deals with other things.

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[escarabajo]

[Excuse you he's worked VERY HARD to build up his superhero banter skills tyvm.]

Sooooo... Alternate universe, huh? Seeing as I've never heard of any bird flu.

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[fdaterminator]

[Try harder.]

This isn't a fucking comic book, man. "Alternate Universes" go above my weirdo threshold.

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[escarabajo]

You might wanna raise the threshold a little, seeing as there are talking turtles and dragons here.

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[andaway]

[Clark slowly lists the answers one by one.]

The cheapest kind of booze is actually not cheap at all, there's rationing going on. ... There's no chicken at all either but why would it be illegal? I haven't seen anyone named Chu, sorry.

Aaaand the eye is probably not working because right now neither of anyone's extra powers aren't working, or so I've been told.

video; Al how could you?

[fdaterminator]

Well aren't you blunt. [And a huge downer.]

And since when is "sight" some kind of freaky power?

video; you love me

[andaway]

Sorry? [Not sorry.] I have always been a fan of honesty and being up-front.

I don't know, it was a suggestion. Maybe it's simply malfunctioning? With a little luck someone with a better grasp on technology than I will be able to take a look at it.

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[fdaterminator]

Well gee thanks for the warm welcome. Got anymore good news for me?

That was why I was calling the science nerds.

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[andaway]

Not really, but if you have got any questions? [He does actually, but the guy is right- throwing all this at him only after arrival isnt fair.]

I'm not a nerd by any standards but if no one really offers I have got a friend who could take a look?

[givenanonymity]

...Since when does the FDA have agents.

[fdaterminator]

Since the bird flu. Seriously, why is everyone asking this stupid question?

[givenanonymity]

Since the last health inspector I met was five four and had to weigh two eighty-two ninety. Nearly three hundred pounds.

[says Hoffman. with his donut physique]

...Hard to imagine him acting with authority.

[fdaterminator]

Don't insult me, tubby. I'm not a health inspector, I do real police work.

Besides, do I look anything like that?

[givenanonymity]

[squint.] Because sorting out if cows are kosher is real policework.

[Don't mind him. He hates feds in any capacity. It's a reflex, not even one relating to his proclivities]

Hence the tone of surprise buddy.