[video]

[sharpes]

[Brandon looks, for all intents and purposes, bored as hell.]

You know what this place really needs?

[Bit of a pause. Purely for dramatic effect, you understand. He is an actor.]

Twitter.

And if you have to ask me what that is, you're seriously dead to me. Like. Don't even try.

Comments

[controlledvariable]

I'm pretty sure the ability to eat ice cream obscenely isn't an inherited trait.

[So rude, Brandon. Steph is just going to eat her own ice cream and try not to stare]

[sharpes]

See, this pretty much just comes back to the 'everything would make sense if you met my mom' thing.

[He'll be nice this time and not do obscene things to that spoon with his tongue okay.]

[controlledvariable]

That's some mom you've got. [Her tone is light, gentle, because she knows that for all people will make fun of their own mothers, it's an entirely different thing when someone else does it.]

D'you think she'd like me?

[sharpes]

Probably not.

[... wait that's-- he grimaces and licks the back of his spoon.]

It's nothing personal. You're young and hot, she -- pretends she is. I don't think there's a plastic surgery procedure she hasn't had done. Mom's all... business, business, make something of yourself, you're nothing unless you're somebody, you know? She's pretty much hated all the girls I've dated.

[controlledvariable]

It's okay. That's honestly not the worst reasons someone's parent wouldn't like me.

[Tim's dad was a classist asshole: news at 11]

She really is a stage mom, though, isn't she?

[sharpes]

Oh yeah. She lost her fifteen minutes when she got knocked up, but then she was already kind of over the Hollywood Hill. She figured she could nail some rich dude for child support. I don't even know who my dad is.

[He shrugs. This is all presented as NBD to him, even though it. Bothers him a lot more than he'd let on.]

I got into acting when I was a toddler. And it was... fine, I guess. Whatever, right? But nothing was ever good enough for Mom. She's-- you know, she's got a lot of ambition.

[controlledvariable]

I'm sorry. [About the dad thing. For all that she hates hers, at least she knows who he is.

She hopes her daughter never feels like she's missing something by not knowing who she is. That's not something she wants to think about.

She'll just focus on the fact that Brandon's mom sounds awful]

Is it okay if I say I don't think I'd like her, either?

[Not even gonna lie, she'd probably yell at her for being a shit mom]

[sharpes]

Naw, don't be.

[His expression is a little dry.]

She's... sort of an acquired taste.

[controlledvariable]

You don't wish you knew? [there's something in her tone that suggests he's welcome not to answer.]

Sounds like it. I've never been a huge fan of parents who push their kids into things.

[sharpes]

I don't really care. Either way it's just somebody else in my life who doesn't give a shit about me.

[... he pauses.]

Sorry, that's--

[grimace.]

[controlledvariable]

Don't apologize. [she waves a hand as if to brush it away, there's not reason he needs to apologize for that]

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that parents were invented just to screw us up. [It's a joke that's not a joke]

[sharpes]

I'd drink to that.

[No, really. He would.]

[controlledvariable]

I didn't bring any liquor.

[the sad face she makes is slightly overdramatic]

[sharpes]

We should fix that.

[Delinquency is only a bottle of tequila away, okay.]

[controlledvariable]

I dunno, I tend to make interesting life choices when I've been drinking... [The way she says it makes interesting sound like something between a threat and a promise]

[sharpes]

Oh yeah? Interesting how?

[He hops up on the countertop to listen.]

[controlledvariable]

[She looks at him with a raised eyebrow]

You might not want to hear, I find boys tend to get jealous hearing about past exploits.

[Exploits, yes]

[sharpes]

Try me.

[Yep he'll take that challenge.]

[controlledvariable]

Well, for starters, if anyone tries to convince you that sex on a balance beam won't end in tears and broken bones, they're lying,

[sharpes]

I could've told you that one.

[eyeroll.]

[controlledvariable]

Then where were you when I'd had twice as much vodka as necessary and a boy was trying to convince me it was a great idea?

[Yeah]

[sharpes]

Probably relaxing on a beach with the entire Russian gymnastics team.

[You think he's kidding...]

[controlledvariable]

You're not even joking, are you? You're gonna give me a complex.

[It's mostly a joke, but also how can she compete with the entire Russian gymnastics team!!!]

[sharpes]

[He shrugs after a moment, and polishes off that last bit of ice cream. Yeah maybe he's paying more attention to that spoon than he strictly should.]

Yeah, but they were a publicity stunt. I... picked you.

[Well they sort of picked each other but. Semantics.]

[controlledvariable]

Oh. [help what do]

Well, I'd make a terrible publicity stunt anyway. [Yes, she's aware that's not what he meant. She's just going to that whole 'flippant instead of feelings' thing that she does]