Video the First, In Which a Wizard Seeks Companions

[hexualdysfunction]

[Now, what in the fresh hell is this? A new guy, more cheerful than appropriate? Maybe.

Wally speaks with the most affected accent: that of a teenager running a D&D campaign, feigning the voice of a wizard.

That's exactly what he's doing. He's trying to look more professional and wizardly than he really is.]

Good morning, my friends! This lovely day, I awoke to the sun reflecting off the shell of our gracious host, the great swimming turtle -

Which - ah. May or may not be dead. And it wasn't actually the shell, it was a building with particularly reflective windows. But you get the point: lovely, lovely day.

Who has plans today? I have a strong desire - a hankering, if you will - for adventure, and am in search of a party for just such a campaign. I seem to have missed all the excitement with the Chihuahuas - terribly disappointing, I love those little ratty beasts - but I'm sure something else will come along. Now, I find it best if my parties consist of one thief, one swordsman, one bard, and possibly a Paladin or a Monk of some sort. You know. Religious types to keep an eye on our immortal souls and summon the powers of the Otherworld for their righteous cause.

We also need a quest.

I do love questing.

[He has literally never been on a quest.]

I think I'll hold auditions. Please submit your name and work experience to Wallace Sheldon Everett, Wizard, by noon. I'd like to get a much earlier start than that, but I also understand people have other obligations.

Comments

[peacefullywreathed]

[Solomon waves a dismissive hand.]

Oh, don't mind him. He gets jealous when I talk to new people. I really should have seen it when he came back from that eldritch dimension and the first thing he did was bully his way into the Temple to see me.

Now, about this quest. Do we have a meeting time yet?

[He pauses.]

You are still looking for a cleric, yes? The leader of a questing group can't be mage-ist, surely.

[hexualdysfunction]

[His voice lowers to a whisper, as though this will somehow keep Skulduggery from hearing them.]

Is there any way you could come without bringing your skeleton? It's just that - well, I don't want people to get the wrong idea, you see. Necromancy is frowned upon in a lot of the better circles.

[skeletonenigma]

[Spoilers: it doesn't keep Skulduggery from hearing them.]

The wrong idea? What do you mean?

[A beat.]

You know, we prefer the term 'differently alive'. I've actually been known to go into a mad rage whenever I hear the 's' word, as my Master here could probably have told you if you didn't waste your time being so obviously racist. What did you say your name was?

[peacefullywreathed]

[Although it doesn't show on Solomon's blandly smiling face, Wally's remark actually hits an unintentional sore spot. It's the word 'better' that does it. Thankfully for Wally, Skulduggery got in there first, so Solomon lets out a longsuffering sigh.]

There, now see what you've done? You've upset Skulduggery. He's going to be moping and brooding for days, don't think he won't.

Out of curiosity--exactly how did you think I intended to fight off, I don't know, gremlins or whatever you were planning to schedule on this quest of yours, if not with necromancy?

[Really, man.]

[hexualdysfunction]

Oh - no, no, I'm no racist! I have lots of friends who are sk--uh--differently alive! My best friend is differently alive! It's just that - well, I'm new here, and I don't want people thinking I'm trying to raise a 'differently alive' army.

That happens a lot where I'm from - and - and -

[He's starting to hyperventilate.]

[skeletonenigma]

[Alright. It was funny for a while, but there comes a point where continuing to take the mickey out of someone feels remarkably akin to taking candy from a baby.

That, and Skulduggery's trying to avoid giving anyone panic attacks.

So he holds his hands up in a half-calming, half-surrendering gesture.] Don't worry. You're perfectly safe. I can guarantee no one here will believe you're trying to raise anything, much less a skeleton army. Most of them know me, you see. I'm unique. Skulduggery Pleasant, at your service.

[peacefullywreathed]

[Yes, it's no fun when the subject is too emotionally vulnerable to actually defend themselves. Dryly:]

All of them know I'm a necromancer, too. I highly doubt any of them will believe I'm trying to raise a skeleton army either. Most of them don't like me, but that's just because I'm prettier than they are.