002 | Video; anonymous location

[fdaterminator]

[Colby had logged on at net cafe to see there was some sort of tribble containment effort that he had missed. Instead he sees two stoned aliens tossing the furballs out a window.]

Oh come on!! I can't be the only person actually trying to do something about these little bastards can I? Sure they look cute but at the rate they're going to eat and breed us out of house and home in... You know what, I'm not even going to waste my breath. [His red robotic eye turns blue and it projects a simulation of what will happen to the ecosystem of Tu Vishan if the tribbles continue doing what they're doing unchecked into the air. It's quick and not pretty.]

Do I have some fucking volunteers now?

I'm F.D.A., but I also used to be U.S.D.A., so I know a thing or two about animal containment. If you're too lazy or unwilling to help at least point me in the direction of an empty warehouse and/or large refrigeration units... Hell, anything that can store or stop these assholes from breeding.

Comments

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[cowled]

I own a warehouse in the Earth Sector that has numerous large refridgeration units. I've asked my technicians to fix their internal temperatures a little lower than the norm, and by all means you're welcome to them.

[And by 'technicians' he means 'I did it myself because I'm the goddamned Batman' but that is neither here nor there. Bruce has been busy containing these things since the tribblesplosion happened, whoops.


*icon used only because it shows Batman with his head stuck in a fridge and is not an accurate representation of how Bruce appears on the network. Because gosh.]

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[fdaterminator]

[Finally, the first reasonable person he's come across. If only you knew, Colby...]

Send me the address, I'll take it.

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[cowled]

It's on the corner of Vannix and Heartley, give me a moment-- [He fiddles (with rather more clumsiness than strictly necessary) with the console briefly, and after a moment it sends a map of the area, with the warehouse highlighted.]

There you are, that should help.

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[fdaterminator]

[Colby's eye glows blue as he records it into memory.] Got it.

You're probably the first rich person in the history of ever to offer to help without having their balls put to the fire first.

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[cowled]

[His answering smile is a little helpless because hey that's crude and he definitely doesn't!! ever!! deal with that sort of language!!]

What can I say? Gotham's never been able to wrangle the bleeding heart out of me.

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[fdaterminator]

Somehow I find that hard to believe. New York City isn't the place to breed kindness.

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[cowled]

[Bruce makes an amused sound.]

New Jersey, actually. Gotham's in Jersey.

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[fdaterminator]

Wait, what? What are you talking about?

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[cowled]

You implied Gotham was in New York...?

[DID HE LOSE THE THREAD OF THE CONVERSATION SOMEWHERE WHAT'S GOING ON HELP.]

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[fdaterminator]

That's because it is New York. New York City, sometimes goes by the nickname Gotham for who knows the fuck why?

And while I try to be in Jersey as infrequently as possible, I do know there's no such city as Gotham there.

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[cowled]

Well, there is the curious matter of alternate universes on the happen here...

[So cavalier. He's hardly bothered by it.]

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[fdaterminator]

So you mean this bullshit adds entire cities?

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[cowled]

[HMMM, HOW TO TEST THIS THEORY wonders the hapless billionaire!]

This may seem like an odd question, but have you ever heard of a country called Themyscira?

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[fdaterminator]

Unless it's one of those third world countries that spawns out of some other country or changed its name every other Thursday, no.

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[cowled]

No, it's the home of the Amazons.

[Which anyone from Bruce's world could tell you, gosh.]

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[fdaterminator]

[He's giving you the look. The one people give that know they're being fucked with.] Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. And where I come from, there's an island made of clouds full of unicorns.

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[cowled]

[He actually laughs outloud.]

No, I'm being completely serious! Ask anyone. It's-- um, complicated. I'm assuming you don't have a 'Superman', either?

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[fdaterminator]

I'll give you exactly one guess.

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[cowled]

No?

[He draws that word out, leaning on the o a little longer than he needs to, and then shakes his head.]

Well, he is here, so you can meet him if you'd like.

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[fdaterminator]

I've made his acquaintance. [His tone is so icy you can practically see his breath.]

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[cowled]

[This is hilarious and Bruce is kind of a bat-troll sometimes, so his expression is all innocence.]

I'm sorry, did he make a bad impression...? I understand sometimes that superheroes can be a little intimidating, but he's always seemed like a decent sort to me.

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[fdaterminator]

Are all of your "superheroes" baked?

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[cowled]

[Pensively,]

Not unless they're up against a rogue with pyrokinetic powers, usually...

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[fdaterminator]

[He hates you more than Clark right now.] Blazed, stoned, blitzed, fried...

High.

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[cowled]

Why on Earth would they be-- any of those things? I imagine it would interfere with their ability to... you know, fly. Or shoot lasers, or whatever the rest of them can do.