tushanshu | 001

[ So, Roy hasn't been around that long, but he's gotten to know Keeliai, the natives, heard about the Emperor and definitely picked up on the tension between foreigners and the Kedan, but just out right asking about What The Hell Is Wrong With This Place seems a little too obvious. And lame.

And this way is much more fun. ]

Okay so is there a part of living on the back of a giant magic turtle that isn't supposed to be completely awesome? Because a lot of you seem to be really bummed about it, and I'm starting to think it's more than just a strong case of Stick Up The Ass going around.

[ And frankly, Roy likes looking like the idiot. He raises up a hand holding some kind of Kedanian smoothie in the cafe he's seated in, and gives an 'okay, humor me' kind of gesture. ]

Let's pretend for two seconds that you're all actually the most boring people ever and the part where we're on a monster turtle isn't enough for you - you're getting what's practically a free vacation. A beautiful city on a tropical island that's really more like a cruise, and even a space you can go sit near Yurtle's massive head and zen your neurotic brains out. The closest we have to that at home is legalizing pot.

I know I'm inviting a sea of sarcastic quips to kill my buzz about the whole badass Suessical adventure, so let's try to be organized and civil about this - there's only so much scathing sardonicism I can handle at once. Please fill out the attached form and get back to me:

Your Name: Self explanatory.
Your Age: It'd probably explain some things, I'm jussayin.
Level of Suck of Your Homeworld: On a scale of Fantasia to Bambi. Just trying to keep some perspective.
Your Complaints About Our Magical Turtle Adventure: Let it all out, brothers and sisters. Testify.
Notes: Whatever. How's my hair?

Thank you for your participation! Here is a wavier for your free snow cone! Not really. Sorry.

[ Oh wait, just this last piece here: ] Also, if you know anyone who likes to run around in tights and a mask, maybe a cape, let me know? Thanks! [ A little salute, and he signs out. ]

[[ ooc; If you could, please fill out his permissions post ova hurr, and here's the html for his little questionnaire thing :>

]]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Tights, masks, and capes. That reeks of superheroes, which Javert learned from another of their lot gallivanting around the Turtle. What is it about future eras that invites such chaos into the world?]

Let's pretend I understand every word of your foreign cultural references. I still do not know your intent, [rumbles a curt voice.] What is the purpose of this survey?

[ Take a vacation to Gotham and it'll be pretty obvious. ]

I dunno, ice breaker? Hearing more about why the natives are so angry? Are question not allowed?

There is nothing wrong with questions. But I would like to know if you intend to document and file this information somewhere, for a hidden purpose.

Edited 2013-04-22 20:18 (UTC)

Well, it is was a hidden purpose I probably wouldn't be openly admitting it. But I'm pretty bad at the conniving and secret plotting thing, so I wouldn't worry about it.

Well, that is reassuring. [Dry as a bag of old bones.] In any case, you say the public anger is puzzling. You mean the kedan's anger?

That is because we foreigners are damnably annoying, as a bunch.

Yeah well so are people in Jersey, but we don't go around jumping them in alleyways for it.

Granted. Imagine what would happen if we all behaved like thugs!

But there is a way to reduce tensions. Somewhat.

Do the kedan all act like that? I mean, if a bunch of Jersey people invaded Seattle, I'd probably at least have some serious road rage at 'em.

Yeah? What's that?

Why, play the game by their rules, of course. Learn the local laws and customs. Then they cannot complain.

[A considering pause.]

Not all kedan. That is like saying all men are thugs, or all women are vile. [Not that Javert has not met his fair share of vile women...] The more honest fellows cluster in the Earth Sector. But there is no guarantee.

Pretty sure if they want to complain, they'll find a way to. But yeah, not a bad idea, I guess.

Well shit. I'm in the Metal sector. Am I gonna get mugged? [ He is honestly not even worried about it, though ]

Even so! They will not ambush you in the back-alleys if you play nice.

[Javert makes a sound that resembles a cross between a scoff and an abrupt, singular chuckle. Rather than answer the question, he asks sternly,]

Do you know how to keep your pockets shut, head down, and hands tucked into your sleeves?

Dude you have apparently never been to Detroit. They'd mug nuns there.

[ Honestly, he's just being a shit rn because what is taking things srsly. ]

I do but I'm not very good at it. I think it's the hair. Kinda stands out.

Then your best bet is a mean punch. Or half-decent savate skill. I am sure you can handle it, with where you come from! Fending off nasty nun-robbers left and right! Imagine their reputation with their gangs.

[... Ok, now it's hard to tell whether this old French guy is pulling his arm or being completely serious. It is impossible to judge by that flat tone.]

You mention your hair -- That reminds me! Here is that survey you wanted. Some good it will do you.

[TXT forthcoming]

Your Name: Javert
Your Age: 52
Level of Suck of Your Homeworld: Have not experienced any sucking sensations recently.
Your Complaints About Our Magical Turtle Adventure: Uncomfortable cart ride from edge
Notes: You are due for a shave. Try a dark dye. The red-head child is never liked well.

Well, it's not savate, it's some kind weird kung fu or something, I dunno, you'd have to ask Oliver Queen.

[ And hold on, reading this survey-- fjdksla omfg Javert you cannot just say things like that ]

Dude I really do not need to know about any kind of sucking sensations going on in your life, this is not that kinda survey this is.

But yeah, I feel you on the no one likes the red head thing. My freakin' life.

Then ask your questions more carefully, [says Javert.] Blond is another option. [Hmph.] The only ginger-hair I knew wore endless wigs. All his papers had a different word - chestnut, blond, black. But he was a pompous cock, I do not recommend following his footsteps.

Kung Fu. Is that oriental? That is how it sounds. I am unfamiliar with that style.

Yeah, well, wigs itch too. I don't think I'll be building up my nonexistent collection any time soon, but thanks for the advice.

Chinese. You never watched Bruce Lee marathons?

[... Um... Aren't marathons a Greek thing?]

I find I keep myself too busy to watch Orientals run ridiculous distances.

[I should hope Roy is figuring out very quickly that this guy is not from this year. Or this century.]

[ 8( this is very sad and he pities you for not knowing Bruce Lee. ]

Pre-television, huh? Sucks for you, man. Bruce Lee's basically like the patron saint of ass kicking.

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