tushanshu | 001

[ So, Roy hasn't been around that long, but he's gotten to know Keeliai, the natives, heard about the Emperor and definitely picked up on the tension between foreigners and the Kedan, but just out right asking about What The Hell Is Wrong With This Place seems a little too obvious. And lame.

And this way is much more fun. ]

Okay so is there a part of living on the back of a giant magic turtle that isn't supposed to be completely awesome? Because a lot of you seem to be really bummed about it, and I'm starting to think it's more than just a strong case of Stick Up The Ass going around.

[ And frankly, Roy likes looking like the idiot. He raises up a hand holding some kind of Kedanian smoothie in the cafe he's seated in, and gives an 'okay, humor me' kind of gesture. ]

Let's pretend for two seconds that you're all actually the most boring people ever and the part where we're on a monster turtle isn't enough for you - you're getting what's practically a free vacation. A beautiful city on a tropical island that's really more like a cruise, and even a space you can go sit near Yurtle's massive head and zen your neurotic brains out. The closest we have to that at home is legalizing pot.

I know I'm inviting a sea of sarcastic quips to kill my buzz about the whole badass Suessical adventure, so let's try to be organized and civil about this - there's only so much scathing sardonicism I can handle at once. Please fill out the attached form and get back to me:

Your Name: Self explanatory.
Your Age: It'd probably explain some things, I'm jussayin.
Level of Suck of Your Homeworld: On a scale of Fantasia to Bambi. Just trying to keep some perspective.
Your Complaints About Our Magical Turtle Adventure: Let it all out, brothers and sisters. Testify.
Notes: Whatever. How's my hair?

Thank you for your participation! Here is a wavier for your free snow cone! Not really. Sorry.

[ Oh wait, just this last piece here: ] Also, if you know anyone who likes to run around in tights and a mask, maybe a cape, let me know? Thanks! [ A little salute, and he signs out. ]

[[ ooc; If you could, please fill out his permissions post ova hurr, and here's the html for his little questionnaire thing :>

]]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Just a little intense about turtles, then? I guess this place fits you well, then.

Hell yeah I will. Having a personal Icee machine would be boss.

You know of the two of us, it seems like you're the one fixated on turtles. Would you like to talk about that?

You know, maybe. It might be one of those subconscious things. I've always wanted to try riding one of those massive tortoises.

Like the ones they've got on the Galapagos?
Wouldn't that be like, the slowest pony ride ever?

Sure, but it'd be badass as hell. Like, who gets to ride a tortoise? Everyone rides elephants and shit. I want to saddle up on something cooler than that.

Saddle up with a mount that comes complete with its own armor?

Yes. I want a war turtle.

Tell me more about this war turtle of your dreams.

Well he's gotta be massive, first of all. Not like Tu Vishan massive because I'll disappear on him. And he needs a terrifying turtle roar. And I need to be able to joust on him, because turtle jousting would be badass, I'm jussayin.

A terrifying turtle roar.
Are we thinking lion-style roar? Or something more profanity laden. Say...possibly with a strong Bronx accent?

Profanity not required, but it would probably help the shock face. Uuuuh, do you know a turtle with a Bronx accent? That is weirdly specific.

But would be acceptable, because the Bronx is terrifying.

Eh. It's not so bad. It's not like it's Jersey or anything.

And no, I don't know any tortoises that talk with a Bronx accent. Everyone knows tortoises can't talk.

Jersey's got Gotham. Nothing really compares to Gotham.

Way to get my hopes up and let me down.

[There's a lag in time before the next response is sent as Mike wonders if, like Superman, Gotham is a real thing somewhere.]

Talking turtles with Bronx accents, on the other hand.
Totally real.

[ Uh, yes, and it sucks. ]

You just said turtles don't talk, dude. Mixed signals.

I said I didn't know any tortoises who could talk. Not all turtles Ade tortoises.

Uh huuuuh. So what's this new species of talking, New Yorker turtles?

Manhattanus subterraneus.

Soo... there's some species of turtle that conduct subway trains in Manhattan? Because that is a shitty job for a talking turtle.

No no no. Not subway, just under ground. Underground Manhattan turtles.

This is getting super specific, man. What do you know that I don't here, aside from really particular details about turtles? You're getting my hopes up and it's really not fair if you're going to just let me down.

Great. Now I have "Build Me Up, Buttercup" stuck in my head. That's for that.

[ excuse him switching to audio just so this can happen. now singing loudly and not entirely on key. ]

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, Baby!

Just to let me down~ And mess me around!

And then wooorst of all~ You neeever call, baby,

When you say you will

BUT I LOVE YOU STILL!

I need you more than anyone, Darlin'
You knew that I have from the start
So build me up, build me up, Buttercup
Don't break my heart!

And that was just a legitimate moment. I feel closer to you now.

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