001 | Video

[fdaterminator]

[This is John Colby.

He’s one of the best agents in the F.D.A.

When John Colby took a butcher knife to the face, he received facial reconstruction surgery that left him with half a terminator face and the awesome perk of a multi-million dollar processor where his damaged brain once was.

The injuries peppering his face and the arm in the sling have nothing to do with that injury. Those came from an angry octogenarian after she discovered he was two-timing her with another man.

It wasn't pretty.]

All right everyone, listen up. Agent John Colby, F.D.A. [And with that he flashes his badge to the camera with his good arm.] I've got two questions for you: first, any of science nerds out there? I need one of you to come and look at my eye. [Yes, the creepy red one, not the normal one.] It's not working and I prefer to use two goddamn eyes. The door says "FI-1C." Knock first or I'll shoot.

Second, and this is important so listen up, where is the cheapest place I buy booze? This is not something to take in sober. And I really don't give a shit about any illegal chicken joints--if this place even has chicken--so let's not even pretend that might be an issue, 'kay? I just want to get shitfaced in peace.

[He pauses.] Actually, I got one more question, though it's more a request. If anyone here has seen my partner, an insufferable little prick named Chu, let me know. Ton, if you're watching this you better fucking contact me, got it?

Comments

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[fdaterminator]

[Bad puns, mocking his authority, and bringing up the USDA. Kid you have one -1 million points from Colby.]

Since the bird flu epidemic to your first two questions. The USDA deals with other things.

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[escarabajo]

[Excuse you he's worked VERY HARD to build up his superhero banter skills tyvm.]

Sooooo... Alternate universe, huh? Seeing as I've never heard of any bird flu.

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[fdaterminator]

[Try harder.]

This isn't a fucking comic book, man. "Alternate Universes" go above my weirdo threshold.

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[escarabajo]

You might wanna raise the threshold a little, seeing as there are talking turtles and dragons here.

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[fdaterminator]

That's not funny.

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[escarabajo]

It's not. It's the truth.

And you're a cyborg. No offense.

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[fdaterminator]

Don't you think I know that?

[Deep breath.] This [He points to his face] is science. This [He motions around him] is flat out crazy.

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[escarabajo]

[eye roll.]

It's not like they're mutually exclusive.

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[fdaterminator]

[Colby acknowledges this, but is too angry to let you know this.]

They aren't even on the same level!

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[escarabajo]

If you're gonna be a jerk about it, how do you expect anybody to help you?!

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[fdaterminator]

I'm not being a jerk about it!! [Yes you totally are.]

I'd like to think i'm allowed to find this situation fucked up, seeing as before today the worst I had to deal with were those fucking food freaks!

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[escarabajo]

What, the chicken thing again?

[He is liking you less and less by the minute, mister.]

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[fdaterminator]

The "chicken thing" only seemed to bring all of them out, but they were around before that.

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[escarabajo]

Okay, I'm confused. Who are these "freaks"?

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[fdaterminator]

People that do freaky shit with food. Turn into it, put their memories in it, manipulate people through it... I'm so fucking done with them.

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[escarabajo]

What, like... superpowers?

[HAHA WOW HE REALLY ISN'T GONNA LIKE THIS GUY.]

Which food superhero peed in your Cheerios this morning?

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[fdaterminator]

[Groans.] Yes, like superpowers.

The one that killed my partner's sister, for starters. Let's start with him and I can work my way down from there.

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[escarabajo]

[Ouch. Jaime's no idiot-- he knows that people use their powers for destruction all the time-- but meeting someone who'd been directly affected is a little different. His expression of annoyance flickers briefly to concern before settling on something more serious.]

I'm really sorry to hear that. But, well... the people with powers here, or at least the ones I know, aren't bad. We're all trying to work together to get out of here.

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[fdaterminator]

[Rolls his eyes.] Well that makes everything all better then. Don't get me wrong, kid, not all of the food freaks I met back home were trying to kill me--though most were--but even the assholes with the best of intentions were dangerous. [At that he subconsciously touches his metallic jaw. Thanks for that again, partner.]

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[escarabajo]

That's not their fault. You can't choose what life you stumble into, even if you can choose how to deal with it.

[A sore spot? A little.]

Is there anybody regulating them? Or helping the non-criminal ones deal?

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[fdaterminator]

There isn't a food freak support group if that's what you're asking. We take down the dangerous ones, but everyone else is on their own.

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[escarabajo]

Not even a Justice League or anything like that? What kind of place is that?

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[fdaterminator]

[Thank god for that.] Normal. [I wouldn't go that far, John...]

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[escarabajo]

For you, maybe. [At least they haven't had a Crisis yet.]

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[fdaterminator]

I feel sorry for you if living with superpowered yahoos going by the name "Justice League" is normal. Let me guess, they aren't regulated either. Your real cops must be thrilled.