video; fanfic narration. because he can.

[choiced]

[OOC: Warning for some smuttiness! I will avoid explicit stuff, and replies should likewise avoid explicit stuff, but there is absolutely smuttiness going on.]


[Zelos will be honest -- he didn't really know what to think of the fanfiction at the Foreigner Festival when he first realised what it was, and he hasn't gone out of his way to find any more since. There's something about the idea of someone narrating his life that doesn't sit well with him.

But then. But then.

He gets his hands on these.

When the camera turns on, Keeliai gets treated to one of Zelos's smarmiest grins. He's holding a book -- or a paper document that does its best to pass for a book, anyway -- and he waves it at the screen.]

Hello there, all my beautiful hunnies! I have a special treat for everyone today. You know those stories people write about us? [He waves the papers some more.] I hit the jackpot! You'll never guess what I found.

[Some people can maybe guess.]

Hang on, I'm going to read out the best part. If anyone knows who 'Inaev Morenth' is, by the way, I'm happy to pay you to tell me. Okay, so here we go! This one's called The Hot Dust.

[And Zelos clears his throat, repositions the papers, and... proceeds to narrate what is unmistakeably, from the very first word, smut. Perhaps mercifully, people can turn off their consoles whenever they want.]

Comments

[annihilist]

Oh, please, mercenary. Why not? Let the man have his fun.

[simulsimul]

[Kratos doesn't splutter, but it's possibly a close thing. His face seems like it's attempting to look horrified and not quite sure how to go about it.]

There are children with access to the network.

[annihilist]

[Well, alright, fair point. But: asshole. Asshole attempting to be more of an asshole because a past vulnerability needs to be patched with bastard spackle.]

It's also not an automatic broadcast, but if it'll make you feel better, I have some very creative ways of shutting people up. Judging by the content of said broadcast, he might even enjoy a few of them.

[simulsimul]

[Kratos's face is attempting to do several things at once. Horror, distaste, and -- yes -- amusement are among them. Most of it is hidden when he facepalms quite literally.]

If you do, please leave that between the two of you.

[Why this.]

[annihilist]

[That was a fun and delicious combination of emotions to elicit. Devin wishes he could record that for posterity.]

Suffice it to say you'll be spared anything but imagining my methodology, unless he's a fan of retelling his own exploits as well as narrating. That you'll have to take up with him, however.

[simulsimul]

You've already given me ample opportunity to imagine that, I assure you.

[And he's declined. His face, mercifully, is settling back to its neutral state, save an air of exasperated amusement.]

At least if the two of you are busy with each other, you won't be inflicting yourselves upon the rest of us.

[It's a tease, really.]

[annihilist]

[That earlier contrition at the festival, while still very much felt, is nowhere to be seen now.]

I suppose I have, haven't I?

[Devin recognizes the teasing, but the comment stings for reasons that have nothing to do with this topic, and his expression remains unchanged.]

Yes, I'd be doing everyone a public service at that rate.

[simulsimul]

[Hmm. That's an interesting utter lack of reaction, there.]

From what you've said, those are your chosen occupation.

[He's thinking of protecting people from vampires, really.]

[annihilist]

Zelos is not exactly a problem that demands my brand of pest control, for which I believe we can all be very thankful. I have, however, been told to find some way to contribute, so I'll manage, one way or another.

[Vampire hunting was an oddly public/private service, honestly. A shadow occupation, if a critical one. He's really hoping Kratos isn't taking a genuine interest here.]

[simulsimul]

I've been told something similar.

[Or rather, to 'branch out and do something new', and so forth. ... This is new. Enough. Reaching out to someone whom he so embarrassed is new.]

Perhaps you can branch into other brands of pest control.

[Dryly.]

[annihilist]

[Raine's been busy.]

I did join the police force in an effort to locate the cultists, the wily buggers.

[His lack of success rankles, and that he's willing enough to show without much adjustment. People have died. Kratos already knows who Devin defends.]

Much as I would prefer to not be here, I have, in fact, managed to occupy most of my time in a useful manner.

[Possibly too much of his time, but Devin doesn't really know what fun is for.]

[simulsimul]

An interesting thought, for an essential mercenary.

[It'd be like joining the castle guard. Some mercenaries did, but it rather changed the nature of the title.]

Useful by whose standards?

[People tend to have feelings about productive use of time. Or so Kratos has discovered, from Raine and Zelos and Pepper.]

[annihilist]

[How did they get on this topic? He's not liking where this is going.]

Mercenaries get paid by someone. I'm not for hire, where I come from.

[Well, he could be, but that wasn't how he operated. Fewer strings and paper trails.]

Mine.

[choiced]

Thank you.

[Zelos doesn't know Devin all that well, but the more he sees and hears, the more he likes the man. Of course, Zelos will also like anyone who agrees with him, really.]

There's plenty more where that came from, if you want it. [Paper shake.]

[annihilist]

It's not a genre I favor, as it happens. There's precious little to read around here until I can learn kedanese, and while I may miss my library, I'm not quite that desperate.

[Zelos, Devin is not the kind of person you ought to like.]

He does have a point, however. You may want to make the broadcast a bit more difficult to access, seeing as your glee has potentially gotten in the way of your common sense.

[choiced]

[Okay, Zelos is rescinding that assessment with a scowl.]

I don't have any common sense. Ask anyone.

[And now Zelos's pause is a little more thoughtful. A little less impulsive.]

So you work for Kratos now, huh? He says jump, you ask how high?

[annihilist]

That's an astonishingly illogical conclusion. I work for Valdis, strictly speaking.

I just keep the mercenary around for amusement. It's useful, having someone around that I have to work to keep up with, for once.

[choiced]

So the only reason you're telling me this is a bad idea is that you actually think it's a bad idea?

[Look, Devin, your conversation with Kratos was not private.]

Wow. You have to work to keep up with him? Just how limited is all your past experience?

[annihilist]

I didn't say it was a bad idea, but if you intend to keep doing this in the future, you may want to put a better warning label on it.

[He offers Zelos a toothy expression that can't quite be called a grin.]

That depends on what area of expertise you're referring to. He can kick my ass in a sword fight. Just because he's stoic to a fault doesn't mean I can't give credit where it's due.

[choiced]

[What does everyone have against good old-fashioned steamy writing, he asks you]

Unless you're four thousand years old -- or seventeen and trying to save two worlds -- of course he kicked your ass. [Grin.] You know exactly what area of expertise I'm referring to.

[annihilist]

[He has nothing against it, if it's well written.

And Zelos seems to have missed the memo that Devin has backed off. Hm.]

You'd be surprised how relative both of those conditions are. [Smirk right back at him.] As for that particular kind of experience, I could probably run circles around both of you. Pity we'll never find out for certain.

[choiced]

[... Is Devin saying he's both four thousand and seventeen? What the hell does that mean?

Also, it's funny how instantly Zelos is not interested when imaginings and teasings have already included Kratos.]

Kratos, maybe, but me? [Suspicious squint.] How old are you, anyway?

[annihilist]

[That is, in fact, exactly what he's saying. Shit gets weird when you have a fragment of an angel living inside you.

Very smug smirk:]

One hundred twenty-four. Do some mental math.

[choiced]

My answer depends on your frequency, though. Kratos is four thousand, and you know what he's like. Do you want me to make bad assumptions in my mental math?

[Zelos will actually do this mental math, Devin. You see if he doesn't.]

not here

[simulsimul]

[Zelos Wilder his age is meant to be private. There is resigned facepalming, or the mental equivalent, on this end. Oh well; it's not like a significant portion of the kedanese population haven't figured out that he's not entirely human.]